Episode 6x06 "Hogs and Kisses"

This episode is so profoundly frustrating that my blood is already boiling. Call me tonight's lobster dinner cuz I am boiling right up.

We've got a filming crew here trying to make a video-tour of Pennbrook, and through the magic of Protagonist Privilege, Cory and Topanga are the hosts for this tour. But Cory sucks. Bad. The good news is that Cory is self-aware enough to realize it. I would have had to kill myself if we were doing the "How do we tell him he sucks, I don't want to hurt his feelings" trope.

Right away I feel a lot more comfortable than in the last episode. Sometimes Cory is insufferable, sometimes he's amazing. Last episode, he was insufferable. Right now, I love him. People usually choose Shawn or Eric as their favorite Boy, but perhaps Cory has the biggest effect on the atmosphere of the show. When he's awesome, we feel awesome, and when he's shit, nothing can save us. And we're about to see the proof of that when this episode goes to hell in the next couple minutes.

Shawn pokes fun at his best friend, and his natural charm is immediately called out by the video's director, who now wants Shawn to replace Cory. And let's be clear about this. Both Shawn and Topanga are hesitant, while Cory insists that Shawn take his place.

We fade over to the filming of the tour's final scene, which ends with a passionate kiss between Shawn and Topanga. Without missing a beat, Cory freaks the fuck out. Later, in The Dorm, Cory is conducting some sort of masochistic ritual by watching the footage of the kiss over and over again, and continuing to freak the fuck out. 

Cory rips his shirt open and yells "Topangaaaaaaa!"

Hey, that's a Streetcar reference. I guess I haven't seen this episode in a long time, I don't remember that. Regardless, Cory's delirium gets him into a shouting match with the guy in the next room over. It made me laugh pretty damn hard, I'm not gonna lie. I've mentioned before that Ben Savage is hysterical when he's acting angry, and this is the perfect example. There's nothing special about the lines either, it's all in the delivery. The other guy turns out to be this giant bodybuilder, which we learn when he breaks down the door to Cory's room.

At The Apartment, it's like, 80% same, 20% kinda new.

Eric, handing Rachel a bag lunch: "Have a great day."

Jack, handing Rachel her textbooks: "Make a new friend."

Jack doesn't make me laugh very often, but that one got me.

They're still putting on a show for her, but now it's less about getting in her pants and more about not scaring her off. As soon as she leaves they get out some donuts and start burping and taking off their pants and everything. Jack and Eric are convinced that Rachel will want to move out if she sees who they really are. See this seems like something that should have been covered earlier, like right after she moved in. Oh well.

The bodybuilder has now joined Cory in sobbing as they watch the Shawpanga kiss footage together. The joke is that he's gay and is getting a little too close to Cory. They missed an opportunity here, where the bodybuilder could have thought Cory was crying over Shawn, and that would be the avenue to him being gay. That would have worked a lot better.

Topanga finds Shawn at The Union, where he had to sleep on the couch, on account of Cory locking him out of The Dorm. As she wakes him up, he says "No clown, no!" like he's having a nightmare, and I swear Cory said the same thing in a similar situation, but I can't remember which episode. The two of them are then found by Cory, who claims to be over the whole kissing thing, that he is a "happy, healthy Cory."

Cory, pulling away Shawn's blanket and seeing his boxers: "Undapantssss..."

Another one of those legendary lines. And golly gosh goobers, can you believe that it came from an angry Cory? I'm tellin you guys. Angry Cory. It never disappoints.

Despite the overwhelming resistance of Topanga and Shawn, Cory demands that the two of them go on a date together, and eventually they relent. The episode has become frustrating. It's just... so... stupid... It's soooooooooo stupid. Cory isn't that stupid! "How can we learn so much every week, AND STILL BE SO STUPID?!" One of the main points of the Lauren arc was that you can kiss someone and have it not mean anything, but Cory has conveniently forgotten all about that.

He heads over to Angela's dorm to get her opinion on the Shawn/Topanga dinner date, which, as we now learn, Cory set up and paid for himself.

Angela is, in fact, not an idiot, so she tries to explain to Cory why he is an idiot, but it's no use. Cory is just too stupid. And not even the funny kind of stupid that he was in the first two seasons. He hears Shawpanga returning home from their date, and they're putting on a whole show like they're gonna go make the beast with two backs in The Dorm. Once they're inside, they're reading from scripts and making all these sound effects to really troll the crap out of Cory. It's funny in theory, but since this is Cory's best friend and Cory's fiance, they of all people should know that Cory is fucking stupid, way too stupid to see through an obvious joke like this, they should know that Cory is as dumb as a bag of hammers. But they don't. So Cory walks off upset, before Shawpanga have a chance to say "gotcha!".

Eric and Jack are continuing with their hyper-politeness con during a lovely spaghetti dinner. Rachel calls them out for putting on a show just because she's a woman, but the boys insist that she could never handle the intensity of their slob-ness. Slob-ocity.

Will Friedle, showing up with the perfect delivery.

Rachel decides to prove them wrong by initiating a massive food fight, effectively destroying their entire apartment. Further, she demands that they clean everything up by the time she gets out of the shower. What the fuck is that. What's interesting to think about though, is how exactly you do this kind of scene. Obviously you can't choreograph a food fight, and you only get one take for something like this. I figure they just set the scene up and told them to improvise for a couple minutes, which is pretty awesome to think about. And the actors look like they're having a ton of fun. Is it fun to watch? Yes. Is it a waste of time? Abso-damn-lutely. It seems like the writers were reaaaaally stretching for ANYTHING to fill time in this episode. Start to finish, this Apartment scene clocks in at almost five minutes. We almost NEVER spend that long in a single location.

Cory takes Angela to his room to show her proof of what Topanga and Shawn are doing, but Shawpanga aren't there anymore. So instead they have the exact same conversation they had a few minutes ago. Because Cory is an idiot. Regarding the kiss, "You can't do something like that without feeling anything." Gaaaaaaahhhhh Cory what are you talking abouttttttt. Not only does Cory have the kiss+date with Lauren to refer back to, but also Topanga's kiss+date with that boy band looking guy from the art museum in Starry Night. And also common sense, and the fact that literally everyone else is telling him otherwise. Angela finally saddles up and kisses Cory to prove that he won't feel anything.

And so now Cory's convinced That's pretty much the end, that's it. That was uh... That was it.

During the credits, Jack and Eric literally die waiting for Rachel to get out of the shower. Non-canon, presumably.

Plot: 0 - One of the worst plots ever. I haven't given a zero for plot in a long time, but damn, Cory forcing them to be in the scene together, then forcing them to go on a date, then losing his mind, it was just awful. And you can almost draw a comparison between Topanga telling Cory to go on that second date with Lauren, and Cory telling Shawpanga to go on a date, but it's not really that similar since Shawpanga were never taking the date seriously at any point. And to bring back what I said at the beginning, no matter how everyone else in the episode is doing, nothing could have saved us from the fact that Cory was a train wreck.

Character Development: 1.0 - This one's actually going to Angela. When we first met her, it was annoying how she made Cory and Shawn act, but she herself has been pretty cool for a while. Always keeps her head on straight. And we can see that the "let's be real friends" thing between Cory and Angela from episode 4 is actually happening.

Humor: 1.0 - Angry Cory is hilarious (undapants), and Eric+Jack had some good lines, but mostly just Cory.

Life Lesson: 0 - Don't be as dumb as Cory.. 

2.0 out of 4.0. - Undapants. Cory and Angela are actually being friends like they wanted. The Apartment is stupid, but not as stupid as Cory. Not much else to say. I guess Eric and Jack were the hogs, and the kisses were the kisses.

Thanks for reading, see you Monday. And Happy Halloween!

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 6x05 "Better Than The Average Cory"

It looks like we're jumping right in to Feeny being a college professor, as we see him leading a group of students around an art museum. Angela and Shawn approach their respective best friends to announce their good news. Shawn got into "the photography program", which, I mean, holy shit, continuity. And Angela got an A on her essay "Maintaining Black Identity While Having Three Very White Friends." And Cory found a penny! But Topanga didn't do a damn thing. Didn't even get a callback to her previous fascination with art. Either way, we see that Shangela are doing a good job of staying friends after breaking up.

Cory gives an interpretation of a painting by "Alexandra Nechita", but it's completely wrong, as is pointed out by the real Alexandra Nechita, a real life child prodigy. I have no idea how she ended up on this show, but I wouldn't even know who she is otherwise. Our hero makes a real jackass out of himself here. It's a bit uncharacteristic, but still funny.

Cory clumsily apologizes, while Feeny begins to drool over the child prodigy. He starts in with a barrage of complicated, artsy fartsy, hoity toity blabbledyblark questions, and she looks none too excited about those topics. I smell a character arc!

Feeny: "Step aside while I talk to the genius."

While we're on the subject of character arcs, it looks like Cory's going to resurrect his classic inferiority complex. That's been one of the most recurring elements of Cory's character since the very beginning, where he doesn't think he's interesting, or good enough, or what have you, only to be convinced otherwise by the end of the episode, usually because of something Shawn says or does. And we can nitpick, like "Why does he always have this problem if he's fixed it so many times?", but in this particular case, that's a bad argument. How many times have you just had a day where you're like "damn I suck, what am I doing with my life", and then you have to pick yourself back up? Happens to me at least once a week. Everybody's got their ups and downs, Cory's no exception.

Anyway.

Cory mentions that Nechita is the same age as his sister, establishing his inferiority of the day, and Nechita herself overhears. For some reason she sees the prospect of meeting a complete stranger as fuckin CHRISTMAS just because she's the same age and gender. So that's how Alexandra Nechita ends up in Cory Matthews's kitchen. She doesn't even have a chaperon or her parents or anything. Some moron at an art museum has a sister? BETTER SKEDADDLE.

So Morgan and the prodigy hit it off right away, but it's weird since Morgan looks ten years younger. Looks can be deceiving though. The two are actually the same age, both thirteen for this episode, and in fact Lindsay Ridgeway (Morgan) is two months older.

The two girls run off to play Banjo Kazooie in Morgan's room, which is the single greatest way to foster a powerful friendship. (Grant Kirkhope? Are you out there? Do you read my blog, Grant Kirkhope? I love you.)

Meanwhile, at The Apartment, it's more of exactly the same. Eric really needs to go to the bathroom, but he's holding it in, afraid to leave Jack alone with Rachel. This proves to be a somewhat ineffective long-term strategy, as he has to run off immediately after Jack tricks him into drinking some water. The moment Jack gets a chance, it's... business as usual.

Rachel: "Like he has to worry about us being alone together, right?"
Jack: "I want you to marry me."

Rachel plays it off as a joke, and then starts choking on that hot dog. Unfortunately for Jack, that's not a euphemism.

If I wrote... a list... of the things on television that make me the MOST pissed off... The "It's not what it looks like" gag would be a TOP. FUCKING. CONTENDER. I have the video paused as Rachel's choking, a blind man can see what's about to happen. Jack's gonna do the Heimlich and Eric's gonna walk out and go 'WAHHHAHAGHHRHHAH". I am dreading pressing play again, but here goes nothing.

(a gif of exactly what I said would happen)

Being this right isn't as fun as you might think. It was even worse since they started off with the "he doesn't realize she's choking at first" thing. What an annoying waste of time. The only takeaway is that Rachel feels extremely indebted to Jack and Eric is jealous.

Cory is in his room with Shawn, looking over all his lame participation trophies from his childhood and teen years. Okay, see, I thought we were doing "I'm not interesting", which was the reason for that explanation earlier. Now it seems like we're doing "I've never been interesting", which is a little harder to swallow. I mean the guy literally traveled back in time twice, that's gotta be worth something.

Everyone who has ever seen this episode is in love with that moment and wants that celery poster. That is just genius. Down in the kitchen, it's some shit we don't care about. Amy and Alan ask Morgan if some other girl named Ellouise is the reason she's not going to enter "the talent show at the youth center". Yeah more like EL-LOSER. Apparently SMELLOUISE wins every year, so there's no point in trying,

The parents tell their daughter she doesn't have to compete if she doesn't want to, which is nice of them, but Cory accuses them of "grooming another 8th place honorable mention nothin special *something I can't understand*". He goes on to quite ruthlessly insult his father's inability to raise him beyond normalcy. "I'm average because you're average." Alan looks absolutely heartbroken, and I don't blame him. Cory is a real punk sometimes.

I really hate it when tv shows and movies do this, but now we're just magically out of that awkward or tense situation, as if everyone just walked away. There's a quick group therapy session with our four freshman in Cory's dorm, until Alan arrives to whisk his son off to Learn-A-Lesson Land. But not before we take a trip back to Rachel Land.

Jack finally decides to cash in his favor with Rachel by asking for a PB&J sandwich. Eric realizes that Jack isn't a huge jerk, and that's why he's not using his favor on something that involves genitalia. And that's it, that's their story for this episode. Not interesting or exciting, and it's not even very funny. Besides, I'm sure they'll both be back to preying on Rachel in the next episode anyway. So it's all pointless.

So yeah, learn a lesson land.

Is it supposed to be terrifying? Either way, it's the exact same place where Shawn and Jack reconciled back in 5x02. Shawn and Jack used to live here with Chet before Jack's mom left. You can see the green doorframe that leads to the apartment in both pictures.

You thought I wouldn't notice, didn't you, Michael Jacobs?

YOUUUUUUU THOUGHT I WOULDN'T NOTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

So why are we here now? That little store in the bottom left of the first picture is the store where Alan's father worked for 40 years, and where Alan himself got his first job.

Alan: "Try and see what 'average' looked like from here. For me, 'average'? 'Average' was a dream."

Alan goes on to explain that he was proud of his father, and respected him, because he did the best that he could. Further, "maybe if my son thinks that 'average' is nothing, then, I've done my job..." And that really is a fantastic line. While he doesn't approve of looking down on "average", he's provided a life for Cory where it's at least possible to do that. And that's beautiful, in a sort of sad way. What's interesting is that Cory's attitude toward being average didn't upset Shawn at all. I'm surprised he didn't have the sort of reaction that we're seeing from Alan.

It's time for that talent show we heard about earlier. HELLOUISE is twirling flaming batons, which is definitely a tough act to follow. Alexandra Necktie is giving Morgan a pep talk backstage, and eventually the singing happens. She's chosen "Wind Beneath My Wings," and she's a decent enough singer. Cory eventually joins in, singing the lyrics at his father as an impulsive apology.

Ben Savage really gives his all here, with hilarious results. But obviously it's supposed to be silly rather than emotional.

We never learn who won the talent show, which is probably the best way to go. Morgan winning would have been disingenuous and Disney-y (Like when Riley won that award on Girl Meets World recently? Holy shit I almost threw up). And Morgan losing would have just been a bad use of time. So anyway, Alan and his fuzzy headed son have one last heart to heart. Cory admits that it was just easy to blame his father, when it's really up to himself to make his own life something to be proud of. Alan explains that that's what life is, is finding your own validation, and some people do find it through their talent.

Cory: "But what if I'm not talented?"

Alan: "Other people find it in other ways."

Good old Alan. I love what they've done here. Instead of going for the "everyone is good at something, you'll find your talent" which just feels straight out of Full House, he's explaining that validation can come from all kinds of places, which in his case was raising a family. And they don't say it, but of course Feeny's way was through teaching. Good stuff.

During the credits, Eric pretends to be electrocuted by his toaster to get mouth to mouth from Rachel.

It doesn't work. Real twist, I know.

Plot: 0.25 - Cory whines and complains and is mean to his family. Eric and Jack don't do anything.

Character Development: 1.0 - We delve deeper into the well-developed character of Alan Matthews, and William Russ gives a great performance as always.

Humor: 0.5 - Disappointing is probably the best word. Still funny sometimes, like the celery poster, but the laughs were scarce. This was the least-funny we've seen Eric in a loooooong time.

Life Lesson: 1.0 - "If my son thinks average is nothing, then I guess I did my job", and "Other people find it in other ways."

2.75 out of 4.0. The plot is extremely thin. This isn't what I was hoping for, where Cory tries to make something out of himself, like we saw a lot in season 2. He just bitches about it the entire time, without every actually doing anything. And we know he's capable! He joined the wrestling team, started a school radio show, he was a goddamn TV celebrity in Quiz Show! He is more than capable of being good at things, but he just sat around complaining. And we didn't see any character arc at all from Nechita, she just sort of dropped a trail of plot points, so we could move through the story. And I don't even wanna talk about The Apartment anymore.

On the other hand, Alan kicked some serious ass, and the Lessons were strong. So it's worth watching if that's what you're looking for.

Thanks for reading, see you Friday!

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 6x04 "Friendly Persuasion"

It's freshman orientation in The Union with all twenty of the new students at Pennbrook. Cory and Topanga are making out on the couch since they have no shame. Angela wants to make out with Shawn, but he wants to spend this time meeting new people, which is the complete reverse of what we would expect. A cute girl named Cameron approaches Shawn, who then introduces Angela as his friend, but quickly corrects himself, causing Cameron to walk away. So now it's awkward.

I will say that it's nice to see Cory and Topanga acting like normal teenagers instead of Hollywood soulmates.

Angela isn't gonna quickly forgive Shawn for his "friend" comment, and it sounds like she might want to break up since Shawn's so interested in "meeting new people".

Elsewhere, Cory is still afraid of the co-ed bathroom (a fear born in the previous episode). Nothing comes of it though, it's just setting the groundwork for later. And there's a funny little bit where both Topanga and Shawn are impressed by the body of a muscular guy who walks in to take a shower. Back in The Dorm, Cory learns that Shawn and Angela have indeed broken up.

Shawn's wearing that shirt again. We've talked about Shawn wearing the same shirts a few times already, and now that I think about it, it makes sense. Shawn's too poor to have an expansive wardrobe. I doubt anyone on the show put that much thought into it, but it'd be nice if they did.

Anyway, it looks like we're going to be dealing with Cory The Relationship Expert Matthews today. Topanga joins the scene and defends Shangela's decision, but Cory continues his "They shouldn't break up! They should be like us!" routine. He specifically said he wants them to "be like us", conveniently forgetting that both he and Topanga went out with someone else not that long ago. What a preachy hypocrite.

In class, Eric, Jack, and Rachel have a surprising new classmate, Mister Feeny.

The class's teacher, Dean Bolander, shows up with her no-nonsense attitude, causing Feeny to immediately develop a big ol crush on her. She assigns group projects to the class, so Eric calls dibs on Jack, while Feeny and Rachel team up.

Meanwhile, Cameron and Shawn are occupying The Dorm with a rubber band on the doorknob.

Angela shows up explains that she's fine with it, that Shawn can do whatever he wants, but of course Cory isn't going to let that stand. He tries to convince her that she shouldn't be so calm and accepting of this breakup, finishing with "I'm just trying to be a friend." That sets off the fireworks though, as Angela responds with "Let's not kid ourselves, you and I were never really friends to begin with." Cory is left speechless, and I think we all have to agree with Angela here. This is one of those rare dramatic moments that's actually supported by history. And perhaps that's part of why we never cared about her as a character. Cory is our gateway into the show, so if he doesn't care, why should we?

Topanga: "How many times did you pull her aside and talk to her?"

Cory: "Eight hundred times."

Topanga: "Not once, Cory."

I really like that Topanga is straight up calling him out on this. Drama supported by what we've actually seen on the show, that is a treat.

Eric is showing off his karate skills to Jack before class begins, and I went ahead and made it the new background because it's hysterical and we were due for a new one. Dean Bolander arrives and starts class, asking for volunteers to present their project. Feeny volunteers, even though Rachel is terrified of going first. The topic of the projects is basically Nature vs. Nurture, and Feeny takes the stance that we might expect.

Feeny: "Free will determines behavior, and not one's environment."

That's got Shawn Hunter written all over it, doesn't it? That's the theme of the entire Shawn-Feeny arc. And I'd say it's one of the most predominant themes of the entire series. When a Boy meets the World, it's less about what the World does, and more about how the Boy (or girl) reacts and adapts to it. So yeah. I like that Feeny's still sticking to his guns.

However, it is clear that environment does play some role, as Feeny cannot help falling into his old teaching patterns, going so far as to treat Dean Bolander herself as if she's his student. Rachel is able to overcome her environment, gaining the courage to speak to the class, but only to explain Feeny's inability to overcome his environment, calling him out for acting like he's the teacher. Interesting development, and Feeny's not really sure how to respond.

Cory: "Who sent ya these balloons? Oh look, I did."

As you can see, Cory is intent on proving to Angela that they are in fact friends. Look at that ancient ass iMac on her desk in the bottom left, boy those were some times.

She doesn't want to deal with Cory's bull shit though, and I don't blame her at all, so she escapes to the shower since Cory's afraid of the coed bathroom. He's finally able to conquer that fear though, because he's "more scared of losing you". This strong desire to be Angela's BFF isn't exactly supported by history, but it is supported by the character. This is just the kind of thing Cory would do, based on everything we know about him. Doesn't mean it's logical, but it is justified.

Cory: "You know he's never gonna find anybody as good as you."

Angela: "You don't even know me."

KA-TRUUUUUUUTHHH

Ladies and gentlemen that was the sound of a truth bomb exploding, dropped from the fighter jet of Ace Pilot Angela. Damn, shut-down of the century. The best part is that Cory admits it, and asks for a chance to get to know her. Angela explains that it's too hard to be friends with Cory when she's still got feelings for Shawn. They back and forth for a while and eventually Cory wears her down.

Angela: "I don't want him to stop searching for who he is because he feels sorry for me."

That's one of Angela's best lines so far. Very mature. Shawn wants to meet new people and have his space, and she doesn't want to stand in the way of that. I think Cory is fundamentally unable to understand that concept, but he agrees to keep her feelings a secret, even from Topanga. So now that they've got their Secret of Enduring Friendship, they're going to try to be real friends.

We bear witness to the conclusion of Eric and Jack's presentation, as Eric summarizes with "Watches... chocolate... cheese... Ladies and gentlemen we give you the Swiss. Thank you." It's hilarious, but Jack is back to doing his "this guy is such an idiot, poor me" faces and gestures. Class ends and Dean Bolander explains to Feeny that teachers never stop being teachers, and advises him to apply for a teaching position at the university. Convenient. We can see the sparks starting to fly between Bolander and Feeny, prompting Eric to give the most elaborate Feeny Call of the series.

Will Friedle is a fucking genius. Matthew Lawrence back there is having a real hard time keeping his laughter contained. Obviously there's more than what's in the gif, but it's too long and it doesn't really translate to text... Anyway, that Feeny Call is amazing, and it looks like Feeny's gonna be back to teaching. During the credits, Cory, Topanga, Angela, and Shawn are all brushing their teeth at the same time. Cory and Angela are BLATANTLY smiling and winking at each other, it looks really stupid and obvoius.


Plot: 1.0 - Drama supported by history. Thumbs up. Feeny makes his way back to center stage.

Character Development: 1.0 - Cory and Angela are friends, Shawn is still at war with his hormones, and Feeny is going to be a teacher again.

Humor: 1.0 - Eric is fantastic, of course, but everyone else kinda fell flat. I was gonna go for .75, but that Feeny Call is just too good.

Life Lesson: 0.5 - "Free will decides behavior, and not one's environment." I like that they included that and still talked about how environment does inevitably have some effect. I would have liked it if that also could relate to Cory's half of the episode, but there isn't really anything to tie it to. Maybe that Cory won't let the environment of the breakup stop him from being friends with Angela? It's kind of a stretch.

3.5 out of 4.0. There's really nothing wrong with this episode except Cory's behavior. He is a bull seeing red when it comes to friendship, he's goes really hard. But like I said earlier, that's just who Cory is.

Episode 6x03 "Ain't College Great?"

Cory and Shawn have finally arrived at their new college dorm, and Cory brought pudding.

As you can see, Shawn's hair has changed a bit since last episode, when he still had his wavy bangs. Now it just makes him look 40 years older. Put a beer gut on him and he looks like some angry New York taxi driver.

So Shawn doesn't want to be known as "Pudding Boy's best friend", and HOLY SHIT it feels like we're back in season two! We left the soap opera drama in the previous episode, now we're seeing our goofy hero in a new environment trying to find his way, and his cool best friend is keeping him in check. SHAWN AND CORY. OLD SCHOOL. BACK IN ACTION. Feels great.

Cory's parents and Morgan come in with the rest of Cory's luggage, and he tries to send them off with a "Well hey, thanks for raising me. See ya," which hits way too close to home. Amy's wearing overalls, which reminds me to be glad I haven't seen non-work overalls in a very long time. Cory's family leaves, prompting the arrival of the boys' girlfriends, who whisk them off to sign up for classes. Along the way, we learn that Cory is afraid of the co-ed bathroom.

Cory wants to sign up for challenging courses in the hopes of reinventing himself, in particular Existentialist Thought And Its Effects On Quantum Physics, while his friends are going to be signing up for basic introductory classes. You can already imagine all the cheap laugh we'll be getting out of that.

At The Apartment, it's another episode of Two Guys Want To Sleep With Rachel. So that whole "we have have to keep it platonic" thing from the end of last episode is already in the dumpster. Rachel's sobbing on the couch, surrounded by used tissues and snack foods.

The guys try to make her feel better. Jack is very sensitive and empathetic, while Eric is more fun and whimsical, reciting In a Cabin In a Wood with Rachel. You could argue that they're just genuinely being nice, and maybe they are, but Rachel lights a spark when she responds with "if you two were one guy, I would be in serious trouble." You really should have known better than that, Rachel. That is only going to cause problems.

Over at the Student Union/Bookstore place (which is the new Chubbie's, and I'll call it The Union from now on) Cory's friends are trying to convince him he's a huge fucking moron for signing up for a bunch of impossible classes. He doesn't listen though, since he's stuck on "reinventing" himself.

On his way out of The Union, Cory crosses paths with his Quantum professor, who starts speaking total gibberish when Cory asks for a synopsis of the course. I think a lot of people enjoy this, but I think it's kinda dumb. I am more than ready to be disagreed with. Regardless, this has the desired effect on Cory who rushes off to some dean or other, though it's definitely not the same dean that Eric was involved with last season. I don't think we'll see that guy again, and looking back it seems they were smart enough to stop writing that character pretty early on. I think it was episode 4 that was the last time he appeared. Huh. I totally forgot about him.

Cory successfully drops his courses, but all the intro classes are already full. He pleads with this dean whoever guy to "please fix this", but the dean guy dishes out a serving of harsh truth.

Administration guy: "This is college. The real world. The relationship you're talking about? It doesn't exist here."

First of all, college is not the real world. College is fucking easy and I wish I could have stayed there forever.  So to answer the question in the title, yes. Yes it is great. Second, this shouldn't be a new concept for Cory. Even in high school you can't just magically get into a full class. And third, this is bull shit. There is an abundance of people eager to help you as much as they can. They want you to succeed, partly because the school makes more money if you stay enrolled. I don't know why TV shows like to make college seem so much harder than high school, and high school seem so much harder than middle school, but it's all crap.

The shot fades to Cory at a lake in Wyoming, accusing Feeny of not preparing him "for life". Right away we all know that's a bunch of HOOEY. For the curious, Cory got here with the air miles he's accumulated from his pudding labels. Silly, but at least they gave us something. After seeing how easy Feenys retired life is, Cory decides to stay.

Back at The Apartment, Eric's trying to seem extremely sensitive to impress Rachel, going for the "two in one" thing she mentioned before. At least Jack seems to have given up on these shenanigans.

And like... what are we even doing right now? Eric has always been sensitive! He's the most sensitive guy on the show! Certainly more sensitive than Jack. This has been completely fabricated just for this episode. Disappointing.

Rachel appears to be won over by this charade and uses her sexy voice to ask Eric to help her with her laundry. Jack and Eric both seem to think this is a big deal.

In Wyoming, Cory's acting like a tired old man, to hilarious effect, but Feeny insists that Cory is too young to be doing absolutely nothing, and realizes that he himself is also too young for this kind of life. It really is funny. It's always great when Ben Savage goes outside the normal Cory range.

That's Cory in the blue hat, if that's not obvious.

We're in the laundry room now, with Eric and Rachel, and lemme tell ya. Rachel has turned the sexy levels up to "Holy Shit".

She does a whole routine, blatantly trying to seduce Eric.

So yeah, he's like "you're not acting like yourself" and she's like "yeah neither are you." Woopdy woppy woodly doo ladies and gentlemen. Don't try to seduce your roommate unless you're acting like yourself.

Feeny tries to work things out with the dean/guidance counselor whatever guy from before, but no luck, so he and Cory wander into The Union, where they meet up with Topangela and Shawn. It turns out that they all signed up for an extra class specifically to drop it and make room for Cory in case he needed it. That seems like really vital information to share at some point during the first half of the episode. Either way, Cory is no longer screwed and we get to have a heartwarming moment with Mister Feeny.

Cory: "So I'm ready to start college now?"
Feeny: "I think you are, Mister Matthews," *looks at Shawn* "I think you all are."

I love that look he gives Shawn there at the end.

During the credits, Jack decides to bring out his "fun" side, the same way Eric wanted to be sensitive. (refer back to the logo at the top) So I guess Jack isn't actually above the shenanigans. The whole bit is really funny though, I'll give it that.

Plot: 1.0 - It feels like the old Boy Meets World again! Cory learning a lesson with the help of his friends and Mister Feeny. And Eric doing some unimportant yet funny side story.

Character Development:  1.0 - Feeny's not ready to retire! Woooo!

Humor: 1.0 - Eric was fantastic as always, and Cory was great in Wyoming. Feeny had some great lines too.

Life Lesson: 0.25 - Sign up for your courses like a not-massive-idiot.

3.25 out of 4.0. It's a great episode, lots of fun along the way, even if the Rachel story is the same shit we've seen in the last two episodes. Maybe someday we'll see something different in The Apartment. And we've gotta remember that bit about the co-ed bathroom. By same crazy twist of nature, that comes up again.

Episode 6x02 "Her Answer (Part 2)"

So we're still at The Elopening, where Topanga's unable to finish saying "I do", she keeps getting stuck after "I". She eventually flees the scene, which kiiiiiiiiiiinda makes me feel like the entire last episode was a big poopy waste of time. Was that "Her Answer" just now? Is it over?

Apparently not, since Cory's still gotta drive them both back to Philly, which is quite possibly the most uncomfortable situation in the universe.

The atmosphere doesn't get much better than that, and Topanga explains that she wants a thoroughly meaningful wedding. That sounds like something she really ought to have known before deciding to elope in the previous episode. And she manages to act like Cory's the bad guy, which is annoying.

At home, Amy and Alan are talking through Cory's eloping. Alan insists that Cory wouldn't really go through with it, and then wants to go to bed since it's so late, kicking off one of the best multi-hit jokes in the series.

(It's hard to explain without the gifs, because it's over the course of a couple minutes. Sorry. But if you're familiar, it's the "creeps and weirdos" running joke.)

As everyone shows up they give their thoughts on The Elopening, but one important detail they sneaked in here is that both Eric and Shawn were expecting to be Cory's best man, That comes up again in the future, so I like to think they're giving us a little teaser here now. Feeny, though, is more interested in talking about himself and his retirement. As usual, Eric freaks out at the mention of his mentor's retirement, but Feeny explains that when you care about someone, you should be supportive of their decisions, even if it's hard. This, of course, draws a parallel to everyone's negative reactions toward The Elopening, It would appear that they've all decided to be more supportive. It's almost impossible for us to be invested in that, though, since we already know Cory and Topanga didn't go through with it.

Over in Rachelville the next morning, it's time for another production of Rachel Is Attractive Theater.

This plays out exactly like every scene from the previous episode.

Boys: "Wow Rachel is hot."
Rachel: "You guys are my heroes!"

The subject of Rachel's likability came up in the comments for the last episode, so let's look at that. I guess I would agree that she's likable as a person, I mean yeah she's cute and super friendly, you can see yourself being friends with her, and the actress is skilled enough. But that doesn't outweigh the fact that as a character she's horribly one dimensional and boring. I feel like I just described Riley on Girl Meets World. But who knows. Angela and Jack both had a couple great episodes last season, so hopefully Rachel turns out the same way.

She mentions that she's going to go take a bubble bath, and then Eric and Jack give us like seven jokes that are all centered on the fact that they enjoy the thought of her being naked in their home. It's just... ugh... such lazy writing. This turn of events leads the boys profess their love for each other once Rachel goes to take her bath. It's funny, and we all love to see the bromances on this show. But on the other hand, they're bonding over creeping on Rachel, so I'm torn.

Now Cory and Topanga arrive back at the Matthews House, where everyone congratulates them on their marriage. Let me explain why I hate this. It's almost exactly two minutes of bull shit. Cory and Topanga want to be showered in compliments and good tidings, so they don't bother correcting the misunderstanding, which just fills the entire scene with needless dialogue. Why do we have to sit here and listen to everyone give a speech about their marriage, when we already know it didn't happen? We don't care about this. Yeah you could argue that there's some emotional value to it, but it's ultimately worthless since they're all mostly faking it to show support. This is pure 100% Colombian waste of time.

After that two minutes passes, it's Amy's turn for a speech. She can't keep up the facade though, and expresses her disapproval, and finally takes a shot at Topanga with "Why couldn't you have just gone to Yale?" It seems a little out of character for her to be so cruel, but we don't really know enough about her to talk about it.

In one of Cory's most impressive moments to date (and I'm not being sarcastic) he explodes at his mother for saying something so horrible. It's a powerful moment for his character. I think I've been impressed every time that Cory gets actually angry.

Cory: "We didn't GET married, because SHE wanted YOU to be there!"

In a very rapid change of tone, it's time for another installment of Rachel Is Attractive Theater. Jack bought her a book as a gift, while Eric bought her a bird. Rachel seems overwhelmed by her gifts though, and retreats to her bedroom. Eric wonders if they can eat the bird. Actually pretty funny.

Back at home, we learn just what the fuck is wrong with Amy. Alan makes his way through the dialogue tree, and it turns out that Amy doesn't want to be replaced as Cory's caretaker, and is generally having a hard time letting go. It's a believable result for her character, and Betsy Randle does a fantastic job with it, but it still doesn't justify her outburst from earlier. That was some serious vitriol.

The Theater resumes as Rachel reemerges from he room with a big suitcase. The boys assume she's moving out, and start to apologize for all their creepy objectification and promise not to do it anymore.

Jack: "We have to stop treating you like a..."
Eric: "Puff-pastry on a plate..."
Jack: "And more like a..."
Eric: "...Person..."

I sure am glad they acknowledged that. I hope this new resolution lasts.

Either way, Rachel wasn't planning on moving out anyway. Her suitcase was just full of stuff from her last boyfriend (who she was originally living with) and was going to throw it into an incinerator. She acknowledges the sexual tension, and admits she could fall for either one of them, but agrees that they all need to keep it platonic. So again, I hope this lasts.

The oven dings and Eric says "Bird's ready", and they go to eat their freshly cooked pet bird.

I really like that joke. First of all because I wasn't expecting it, and second because it shows a shift from how Jack started out season 5. Here he is going along with Eric doing something silly (eating a bird he bought for Rachel) instead of just making fun of him. That's much better.

A hop, skip, and a jump takes us to a park, in front of a monkey-bar jungle-gym... thing... I checked, and this is indeed the same place where Starry Night ended, and, before that, was where Cory and Topanga met for the first time. Which is to say that there is some version of the retcon where that is true. I never actually noticed that until today, so that's fun.

Amy explains why she was a bitch-a-saurus earlier, and ends up giving her mother's engagement ring to Topanga to wear. Cory grabs it and proposes to Topanga on the spot, since their first proposal/engagement was nullified when the wedding failed. Or whatever. And okay, this is Her Answer. So they met here, Starry Night happened here, and now they're engaged here. And the best part is, NO ONE MENTIONS ANY OF THAT. The significance of this location is entirely subtext. And I think it's much more special that way. Thumbs up.

Corpanga announce that they haven't decided on a wedding date. They're going to get married "when they're ready."

During the credits, a going-away party is being held for Feeny in The Kitchen. Eric gives the exact same speech that Amy gave earlier, except directed at Feeny. Very funny.

That's like the third time we've seen Angela in this episode, but she hasn't had any lines at all. Weird.

Plot: 0.5 - CAWRY N TUPOONG R GET MARRYYYY

Character Development: 1.0 - Amy finally approves of the engagement, Jack and Eric stop creeping on Rachel.

Humor: 1.0 - Mostly Eric, but Shawn and Cory had their moments too. And that whole "creeps and weirdos" bit gets me every time.

Life Lesson: 0 - Don't eat your pet birds.

2.5 out of 4.0. - Enjoyable. Eric makes it worth watching. And the really real engagement of our main couple is an important landmark. The weird thing though is that it's not like we've made any progress since the end of Graduation. They're still getting married. IMPORTANT FOLLOW UP QUESTION: WHERE THE HELL DOES SHAWN LIVE? I mean he must have moved back to the trailer, right? He and Cory don't move to the dorm until the next episode. You'd think they would mention that somewhere.

Episode 6x01 "His Answer (Part 1)"

Is that a new logo? Can't tell? Well I don't blame you, because the new intro is almost exactly the same as the last one. Except for the shots including that new redhead there, I had to go back to season 5 to make sure they weren't re-using footage. The song, though, has certainly not changed, which is perhaps the biggest mistake of all. Maybe they thought it was cute to make it so entirely similar to the last intro. But it's not.

It's dumb.

We get a quick recap of the developments near the end of Season 5. Amy got pregnant, Feeny decided to retire, everyone graduated, and Topanga proposed. In the present, Cory's unsure how to respond to this ambush-proposal, which is the most rational thing about the situation. He agrees after she kisses him though, so there we go, that's "his answer", why do we need a part 2? Either way, Topanga wants go tie the knot right away. Why wait when you've been together your whole lives?

Topanga: "We've been dating each other since we were two. We've both had chances to be with other people."

Cory: "Yeah I wonder what she's doin..."

Damn you Karen McCain, for getting in the way of my gif. And wow, that's a low blow from Cory. I don't even know what's real anymore, to be honest. I thought we established that Eric convinced Cory girls were icky for a few years, and then they started dating again in high school. But I think from now on they'll be insisting that they've never been apart, so consider this my blanket statement of "this is a BS retcon" for the rest of the series. Between my posts and the comments we've all harped on it enough. Let's just accept our fate and be done with it.

This scene jumps back and forth from The Apartment to what must be Angela's room, which we've never seen before, where she and Topanga are similarly talking about the marriage situation. Shawn, as we know, buys into The Retcon and thus supports the marriage, while Angela, surprisingly enough, thinks they should be doing pretty much everything in the world except getting married. We learn that Cory is afraid to tell his parents about the proposal, but not much else. It's mostly just to show us Shawn and Angela reacting to the news. 

But Shawn's got news of his own. He's decided to take some courses at Pennbrook.

Cory's lack of enthusiasm is due to his preoccupation with GETTING MARRIED, but that still deserves a "what the hell?" Shawn's going or not-going to Pennbrook was one of the most significant issues at the end of last season. It was a really big deal, and it was starting to look like he actually wouldn't go. But now it's just swept under the rug with a "I decided to go." He does mention his photography job though, so they're at least attempting some sort of continuity. Underwhelming, to say the least. Jack is more excited about it than anyone else, but he and Eric are alarmed to learn that Shawn will be living in a dorm with Cory instead of in The Apartment. How ever will they find a replacement? 

Well since this is a sitcom, all they've gotta do is wait about ten seconds, same way we found Jack at the beginning of season 5. The redhead from the new intro loudly breaks up with her boyfriend at the end of the hallway and is quickly recruited by our boys to be their new roommate. A few hours later, Shawn's not happy to find all his stuff being thrown out into the hallway, but quickly changes his mind at the sight of the new fiery haired roommate.

So yeah. Welcome to the new Apartment Dynamic. The new girl, Rachel, is very good looking. That's her thing. For two seasons. The amount of shenanigans resulting solely from the fact that she's good looking is just absurd. I am not looking forward to it. "Rachel is pretty, and thus ___ occurs." Eric and Jack were really starting to find their footing as a team, but any hope we had is gone now. For the most part, anyway.

Shangela and Corpanga arrive at the Matthew House after a double date, and things start to unravel. It comes up that Shawn and Cory will live together, but Topanga expected to live with Cory since they'd be married, but no one can mention the marriage in front of Cory's parents, so it's a whole sitcommy mess. Eric shows up just then, expertly breaking the tension as always.

Eric bursts in, "Got this new roommate, she is FINE!"

I love everyone else's expressions there.

Topanga eventually just says flat out that they're getting married. Amy, Alan, and Angela, The A Team, serve as the force of reason here, saying all the things that we the viewers want to say about why this marriage is such a bad idea. Shawn's purpose is to remind everyone (including us) that Cory and Topanga are exceptions to the natural way of things, and Eric doesn't say anything at all. Probably because he's too busy thinking about, I don't know, kangaroos, or Mister Feeny, or his new roommate. The situation heats up, and ultimately Corpanga run off to elope.

Once they're gone, Eric comes out in support of their marriage, but his reasons are total nonsense.

Alan, looking at Eric: "You are an imbecile."

That's another one where the delivery is important. It's hard to explain why this is different from when Jack does those kinds of insult-jokes, which I generally don't enjoy, it must have to do with the fact that Alan is a better established character and actually knows Eric a lot better than Jack does.

Corpsehanger arrive at some judge's house to elope, and it's clear that everyone's kinda starting to question this whole thing. It's completely obvious to everyone on earth that they're going to wait and have a real ceremony, because it's television, so I'm really not interested in jumping through these hoops. 

At The Apartment, Jack and Rachel find their way into some play-wrestling, just as Eric comes home.

There are some more jokes about how Rachel is good looking before Eric explains the crisis he "resolved" back at home. And then some more jokes about Rachel, it's honestly kind of unsettling, the red flags ought to be going off in her head right now, but instead she says that they're terrific and are making her realize what a creep her now-ex-boyfriend was. Like, this would be fine if they were old pals, I can totally understand that kind of humor, but they literally just met her earlier today, and now they're both blatantly competing to get in her pants. Maybe she's just used to this sort of thing, I have no idea.

Rachel pats them both on the head and says "We're gonna be just like girlfriends!"

If I were to give her character a lot of credit, I would say that that's a clever way of passively shutting down their boners. Buuuuuuut it's probably just a cheap "haw haw they aren't gonna get laid" reversal joke. Whatever.

We jump back to the judge's house for the wedding ceremony. Cory says "I do" but Topanga finds herself unable to get the words out, and it fades to the credits, which is just some jammin' guitar music over the logo. Real talk, I love all of the music that plays during the credits like this. Maybe it's all nostalgia, but it always sounds like a bright sunshiney afternoon. 

And oh, I get it now, the next episode is called "Her Answer (Part 2)", because now she's gotta answer the "Do you take Cory..." question. Cute.

Plot: 0.25 - Nothing really happened. We barely addressed Shawn going to college, Rachel was introduced in the LAZIEST WAY IMAGINABLE, and the whole eloping thing just feels unnecessary.

Character Development: 0.5 - Rachel is developed in the sense that she comes into existence, but that's about it. Again, very lazy writing when it comes to Rachel. 

Humor: 1.0 - Eric does a lot of good work, Cory too for the first half. And Shawn is consistent throughout. 

Life Lesson: 0 - It's really unclear how we're supposed to view this eloping. Everyone sort of comes to terms with it by the end, except then Topanga suddenly doesn't like it anymore. Also it's totally cool to be a massive creep toward your new roommate. 

1.75 out of 4.0. - Definitely the weakest season opener so far. We had such a great setup at the end of season 5, but this was a letdown. The two biggest points are that we didn't explore Shawn choosing to go to college, and that Rachel's entire presentation this episode seems like it was written by a 14 year old boy. Seasons 4 and 5 had such strong openings, showing us everything to look forward to, but what the hell do we have to look forward to now?

Episode 5x24 "Graduation"

It's the end of the year and Cory wants to get his yearbook signed by everyone who passes by, but they all silently ignore his advances. Need I remind you, this is the guy who won Prom King a few episodes ago, and now nobody will give him the time of day. You might almost suggest that Cory winning Prom King was total fucking nonsense. Almost.

Doesn't matter though, because this just became one of the best episodes in the season. It's FRANKIE AND JOEYYYYYY. Last time we saw Joey was in the marathon billiards match, all the way back in season 3. We saw Frankie a few more times after that, last of which was Turkey Day in season 4. But they're back for their final final appearance now, asking Cory and Shawn to sign their (stolen) yearbooks. They're definitely a few years older than Cory and Shawn, but Cory makes a point of saying that it took the thugs eight years to get through high school. I barely recognized Joey at first.

So yeah, this is just a fun way to give our favorite thugs a proper sendoff. Love it, A+, don't really need to see any more, but let's keep going.

Okay I'm glad we kept going. IT'S MINKUS O'CLOCK, my favorite time of the day. He says that for the "last four years" it hasn't felt like he's been at the school. So we've got re-confirmation that seasons 2 through 5 were four years, and not the five years it would take to go from beginning of 8th grade to end of 12th grade.

That shit don't matter tho.

Cuz it's fuckin Minkus.

Our favorite nerd explains that he's been "over there" the whole time, pointing toward the studio audience. Cory explains "We don't go over there," and Shawn continues that you may never come back if you do go over there.

Hey look, Minkus is holding his notebooks in that way all the girls hold their notebooks.

You see that!? THEY'RE BRINGIN BACK CHARACTERS FROM OLD SEASONS

SO I BROUGHT BACK COMMENTARY FROM OLD SEASONS

FUCKIN AMAZING BEST BLOG EVERRRRRRRRR

I'd like to know why they couldn't get Turner for a reappearance. He was a much more significant character than Minkus or the thugs, I'd definitely like to see him again.

Shawn doesn't really care about signing Cory's yearbook, and he also thinks the class rings that Topanga and Cory are so excited about are stupid and meaningless. And hey, I agree with you Shawny boy. I always wrote "See you tomorrow" in my friends' yearbooks. But I guess it's a lot different now with Facebook and everything. Anyway yeah, Shawn is the Grinch of the last week of school. Topanga tells her boyfriend that she's going to Pennbrook over Yale, but he insists she read the "information I got off the internet last night" on Yale before she makes her decision. ...Cory knows how to use the internet? Should I be as surprised as I am?

Shawn calls out his best friend on faking his supportiveness for Topanga.  Real Grinchy Grinch behavior here today.

In class, Feeny gives everyone an optional assignment to write about "what's in your heart during this last week of school." Feeny makes it very clear that he wants Shawn to do the assignment, and perhaps he's created this assignment solely to hear from Shawn.

Topanga literally threatens Mister Feeny into giving her an A, since she has "699 As" and wants 700. Afraid for his life, the old man complies. As usual, we, the viewer, don't care.

Shawn returns to The Apartment to find some sort of celebration set up by Jack to congratulate Shawn on graduating. It's odd, since Shawn isn't actually graduating for another two days. Either way, the gesture isn't well received by the angstier Hunter boy, so the two end up wrestling and arguing like always. Shawn is being a real jackass today. Jack went to a lot of trouble here!

Eric emerges from his bedroom clad in spy gear, heading off to stop Mr. Feeny from retiring. This man truly is the Master of Shenanigans.

Aaand that's the last interaction between the Hunter boys. Their problem remains unresolved, so that was pointless. Honestly, this is exactly where they started at the beginning of the season. That's uh... That's an interesting writing choice. Back at school, Cory's let loose a few chickens in the hallway as a senior prank. The joke is that no one cares about the chickens, not even Feeny, but Cory thinks it's the greatest prank of all time. It's cute. I like the way Cory keeps yelling "chickens!" More importantly though, we have another meeting between Feeny and Shawn. Feeny urges Shawn to work on the assignment, but Shawn still doesn't want to since it's not required.

Feeny: "What you end up doing, Mister Hunter, is up to you, always has been. I'm just here to point out what page we're on."

I really appreciate that line, it really reflects everything Feeny's been about in this series. It resonates with what I've been talking about in If You Can't Be and Prom-ises, where the characters aren't following orders or rules, they make the decisions for themselves. And that's always been Feeny's philosophy, to point out what page we're on, to give everyone the information they need to make their own decisions and choices.

Topanga shows up and asks they boys if they want to hear her valedictorian speech. Shaking his head, Shawn walks away without saying anything at all. I'm going to have to agree with Shawn here. Minkus reappears off to the side, and challenges Topanga's claim to valedictorian. Unfortunately for our favorite nerd, the A that Topanga extorted out of Feeny brought her to victory. You'll recall that Topinkus argue about this same grade crap in episode 7 of GMW. It was pretty forced and nonsensical, and most importantly anyone who didn't see this episode of BMW wouldn't understand what was going on.

Once again, Cory encourages his girlfriend to go to Yale, but she's still not sure so she goes to Feeny's office that evening for advice. It's really difficult to get invested in this when you already know what happens. Or maybe it's just that we're all wishing for Topanga to go to Yale. I just don't care about her struggle, I really don't. Eric saves us from the monotony though, by grappling-hook-ing his way in through Feeny's window, but Feeny just yells at him to get out.

The tune of "Good Lookin Guy" from 4x02 plays while Eric is climbing (and ultimately falling) out the window, which is a beautiful flourish on the end of an already hysterical bit.

There's a touching scene up next when our three heroes stay after class to talk to Feeny. They ask if all their antics have driven him to retiring, but it turns out to be quite the opposite. Watching the three of them grow has given him enough gratification to close out his career with total satisfaction. Very touching.

Feeny: "Sometimes the things you complain most about... are the things you care most about."

These words leave Shawn thinking about the thing he complains most about, which is school. Tie that in with the optional paper about what school means to him, and we're set up for an epic conclusion.

We're at the graduation ceremony now, and it's time for the valedictorian speech. Topanga defers to "somebody who could give a much better speech than I ever could." This is, of course, Shawn. The point of his speech is that he dicked around too much in school and now... he really wishes that he hadn't.

Shawn: "I'm sorry... I coulda done better."

And The Grinch's heart grew three sizes that day.

Feeny, giving Shawn a handshake, "It was a fine paper. No one could have done better."

So this is the conclusion of the Shawn-Feeny arc that took us from City Slackers to the Eskimo to now. Shawn's spent his whole life thinking he's defined by his upbringing, that he's a failure no matter what, but now... "I coulda done better." Shawn is realizing his own potential, admitting that his previous failures are his own fault. We don't learn his plans for the future in this episode, but I like to think that he's already made up his mind to go to Pennbrook at this point, because he wants to prove to himself and everyone else that he still can do better. Good stuff. The Shawn-Feeny arc is definitely more subtle than Eric-Feeny or Cory-Shawn or Cory-Topanga, or even Shawn-Turner which ended back in Cult Fiction. Even so, it's got two of my favorite episodes, Eskimo and City Slackers, so once you've picked up on it, it really is a great story.

Eric jumps up out of the graduating students to stop the proceedings, trying to delay Feeny's impending retirement. He grabs the microphone and starts singing To Sir With Love by Lulu, directed at Feeny. It's funny at first, but it drags on wayyyyy too long. What's worse though is that it completely undermines the ending from the last episode. We saw that moment of seriousness between mentor and student, but now Eric is just acting like an idiot. I really wish this hadn't happened, and they'd just let the end of 5x23 be this season's last scene with Eric and Feeny. Especially since this contributes nothing to anything. He just keeps singing and eventually it cuts to Feeny reading off the names of the students to come get their diplomas. Again, it is funny, but it's still not worth it.

Our heroes give Minkus a big hug after his name is called, which, in my opinion, was absolutely necessary. A very, very sweet gesture from the writers to include this in the memory of our season 1 pal.

Last but not least, Topanga proposes to Cory right there during the name-calling ceremony. Cory is left speechless and it's just that fun guitar music during the credits. I didn't ask for this. Why.

Plot: 0.5 - It's a lot of fluff. Lots of wrapping-up going on, and the scenes with Minkus and the thugs were just fanservice. Appreciated, certainly, but still fanservice. Shawn's little story with the paper is where the points are coming from. Shame they didn't address whether or not Shawn's going to college in this episode. They really teased that in the previous episode and it never came up here.

Character Development: 1.0 - "I coulda done better" and Topanga proposed.

Humor: 1.0 - Eric's spy gear bit was fantastic, so was Cory and his chickens. Topanga was thoroughly anti-funny, but whatever.

Life Lesson: 1.0 - "I coulda done better" either hits you really hard or doesn't mean anything. It hit me really hard when I first saw this, and this is my blog, so I'm giving the point.

3.5 out of 4.0. At the end of the day, watching this episode is just necessary. We have a sendoff for Frankie, Joey, and Minkus, Topanga proposes, Shawn does his thing, it's all very important. It's not amazing, but it's fun and it's important. I think that's all I've got to say.

Thanks everybody for sticking with me through another season. It's dark days ahead, my friends, very dark. But maybe something will surprise me. I'm gonna take my end-of-season break next week, but for Friday I'm planning to review that stupid Trojan War movie with Friedle and JLH. It'll be my first time watching it, and it's only 80 minutes, so it should be fun. I hope. Maybe. See you then!

Episode 5x23 "Things Change"

Angela, Topanga, and their boyfriends are at Chubbie's, all four with their respective letter from Pennbrook. We find out that everyone has been accepted except Shawn, who is on the waiting list. Dang, that sure was less exciting than Eric's acceptance. But it's probably better this way, anything they tried would have paled in comparison to Eric's moment of triumph. During all these proceedings, Shawn's taking pictures of everyone as they open their letters, including himself. Ah, I see, they pulled out the old Hat of Hobbies again for this episode.

(I made a little animation of a hand pulling a piece of paper that says "photography" out of a hat)

I imagine the script said something like "Shawn takes as many photographs as possible to convince the viewers that this is actually something Shawn does." Just like Topanga's art, all of Shawn's "hobbies" in Chasing Angela, Cory being a filmmaker... The list is as long as the series. I'm sure we'll see the Hat of Hobbies again.

At school, Cory and Topanga are convincing everyone who got accepted to Pennbrook not to go, so that the college will start admitting from the waiting list. It's an effective strategy, and it's fun to watch Cory and Topanga doing their silliness. Maybe we've turned a page after Starry Night. Topanga was good in 21 and 22 as well, but the comments are assuring me that she gets annoying again next season.

Ah yes, the next scene takes place in the darkroom at Shawn's photography job. He enjoys the security of this job, and is honestly considering staying here even if he gets accepted to college. Hat of Hobbies indeed. We've invented a new character trait for the sake of the story, and have to pretend it's always been there. It was different with Shawn's philosophy class though. I liked that because it was a discovery, we watched him become interested. But with this I'm just left asking "why the fuck is he a photographer".

Cory and Topanga arrive in The Kitchen to find Amy, Alan, and Eric trying to choose a new wallpaper for Cory's room once he moves out. (Recall that Amy is pregnant.) Eric wants the wallpaper with duckies, and Cory's upset that everything is changing so fast.

Cory: "I sorta thought you guys would keep my room the way it is."

Eric: "Actually Cor, for that I think you gotta be unexpectedly killed by a truck or something."

Woah! That's some dark humor! I like it. Eric is the master of all forms of comedy.

So Cory leaves to go to Chubbie's, which is by gum the most consistent and unchanging thing on this show. We're doing almost the exact same scene as before now, with Shawn opening another letter from Pennbrook. And this time, he's been accepted. Woohooooo.

Where the hell is Chet? I wanna see Chet's reaction to his boy getting into college. For that matter, everyone in the previous scene was too preoccupied with WALLPAPER to discuss the fact that Cory got into college! Either way, Shawn mentions that he's up for a big promotion at his photography job and thinks he's going to stick with the job rather than go to Pennbrook. Cory is obviously upset about this, claiming that Shawn is "throwing away his entire life", but let's think about it. If we accept the Premise Of The Day that Shawn wants to be a photographer, then he hit the fucking jackpot. The only reason to get a degree in photography is to get a job in photography. But he already has that! And he's about to get promoted! But it's not really about logic for Cory, he's just afraid of not having his best buddy around at college. Topanga also has a new letter, this time from Yale. She made the waiting list, but that's not what she wanted. Boo hoo Topanga, you spend all your free time goofing off with Cory. They don't really look for that when you're applying to an ivy league school.

Cory drags Jack to where Shawn is setting up a photo shoot to convince him to go to college. Jack ends up doing some modeling shots instead. Funny stuff.

Shawn explains that he's genuinely excited about coming to this job to learn, something he's never felt about school. They're actually making a great case for Shawn not going to college. I don't remember how this episode ends, but we all know Shawn ends up going to Pennbrook, so I'm genuinely interested to see what makes him change his mind.

Cory's last hope is Mister Feeny, but he's already given Shawn his blessing to stay at the photography job. Good for you, Feeny. The old man comments that things change, "and not just for students."

Old man George is retiring and moving to Wyoming. :(
Taking it one step further, Topanga arrives with another letter from Yale, this time an acceptance. Everything seems to be falling apart for our boy Cory. Morgan comes outside to comfort her brother, and they end up going to Chubbie's, the last bastion of normalcy in Cory's life. Except it's not. Chubbie's is finally gone. Kaput. No more Chubbie's in this series. It has been bought out by Peg Leg Pete's, a pirate themed restaurant. R.I.P.

I didn't mean "Rest In Peace" there, that stands for "Restaurant Is Pirates".

It's crazy how quickly they just delete something we've had since season 2. Chubbie's has almost certainly been in a majority of the episodes, and now it's just gone. But that's sort of the point, you know? How quickly you can lose your familiar settings. I'm sad to see it go, honestly. That's good writing. Imagine if they'd done like... a party for the "last night at Chubbie's" or whatever, that would have been terrible! Much better to keep it like this and keep the theme intact. 

So yeah, the story of this entire episode is that Cory is unhappy with the way things are changing. Morgan runs outside to bring in Eric and then everyone else to try to make Cory feel better. Slowly, but surely, he begins to accept all the changes going on around him, as he encourages Topanga to go to Yale and Shawn to stay at his job. Angela doesn't have any lines in this scene because who the hell caaaaares what she thinks. Cory even begins to accept Feeny's retirement.

Eric's been all zen about change so far, but Mr. Feeny moving to Wyoming just crosses the line, dammit!

So I guess this all gets resolved in the next episode, since it's time for the credits. During which, it's... that scene... ...Where Eric doesn't want Mister Feeny to leave...

(Mobile users, you're missin out on some quality gif right here)

"If I'm really really quiet.... will you stay..?"

;_____________________________________;

That rips me apart from the inside every time I watch this episode. Every single shred of innocence that we love in Eric bursts out in this moment of complete and total vulnerability. It is the saddest kind of beauty, and the most beautiful kind of sadness. No one on this show comes anywhere close to the raw emotional power that Eric has, especially with  Mister Feeny. I adore that line. Top five moment. I don't care how many times I've said that, this is a top five moment.

Plot: 0.25 - Stuff is just changing. There isn't really anything going on. I did like the small touch of having Shawn on the waiting list first, it would have been a stretch for him to get straight in. And we've talked about this before, but when the hell did Cory become a good student? It just sort of happened and they made it seem like it had always been that way. And the whole thing with Shawn's photography, the Hat of Hobbies, that's really annoying. We know that'll never come up again. Why didn't they just pick something we've seen about Shawn in the past? Something poetry related, or GEE I DON'T KNOW, the fucking advertising agency from How To Succeed In Business? For crying out loud.

Character Development: 1.0 - I should change this category to like, "character exploration" or something. I'm giving the point for Eric's love for Feeny, even though that's not really a development.

Humor: 1.0 - Cory is hilarious the whole time since he's angry, the modeling scene with Jack is funny, and Eric is funny as always.

Life Lesson: 1.0 - Things do, in fact, change. It's kind of cheap since we already know none of these changes are permanent, but the theme still works.

3.5 out of 4.0. This is a fantastic penultimate episode. It does exactly what it's supposed to, we're totally set up and excited for what's to come in the season finale. There's a lot of interesting plot threads to follow. I for one am super excited for the next episode. That's a job well done.

Thanks for reading, see you Wednesday to close this bad boy out.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 5x22 "Prom-ises Prom-ises"

Time for the senior prom. Both of our male leads are wearing tuxedos to cover their massive erections. They're speaking with ABC-acceptable-subtlety about how they're both hoping to have sex with their girlfriends after prom. Good work Boy Meets World, giving us a real and mature topic to explore. As a result, this episode was of course banned on Disney Channel. Cory explains that he and Topanga "made a chart" weighing the pros and cons of having sex, ending with a "maybe" from her, as long as everything goes exactly perfectly right. See that sounds more like Cory and Topanga, making a dorky little chart like that, not screaming over their interpretations of Van Gogh.

Joining us now are Cory's parents, and Alan immediately sniffs out what the boys were discussing. He drops a little warning about pregnancy and they go on their way. Which is cute since as soon as they boys leave, Amy informs her husband that she is pregnant. I don't think anybody saw THAT coming. Or maybe we just didn't want to.

We see Topangela having the same sort of conversation about sex, and they at least broach the possibility of sexing their respective boyfriends. For that alone you've gotta give this show credit. Female sexuality is almost non-existent on teen oriented shows of the 90s (and still today). Remember on Fresh Prince when Ashley decides not to sleep with Steve Urkel? My memory could be faulty, but I remember the audience cheering when she says she doesn't want to. Okay yeah I just found the episode, that's what happens.

Are you expecting the unexpected? Because that's what you're getting. This guy named Howie shows up at the door, ready to take Topanga to prom. There was apparently a misunderstanding during the time when Corpanga were split, and now we have a problem. Feeling guilty, Topanga lets Howie tag along with them to prom.

We're at prom now, and Jack and Eric are here. I guess they're chaperoning? Neither one remembers his own prom because they were both too busy making out with their dates. It's just barely not-preachy. It's close, but let's not dwell on it. Meanwhile on the dance floor, Topanga responds to Cory's advances by suggesting they get a hotel room (the prom is located at a big fancy hotel). This scene here where Cory tries to rent a room is extremely uncomfortable. He's nervous and awkward and doesn't want the hotel employee to think he's about to bang his girlfriend, saying things like "oh I'm just tired". So it drags on way too long and I don't think it's very funny at all, except for some of the receptionist's deadpan.

Eventually Cory gets his hotel room, and just then Amy and Alan show up at the desk looking for a room as well. I refuse to believe that any parents in the world would knowingly stay in the same hotel as their child's senior prom. This is so dumb, I'm actually angry that the writers decided to put it on paper. Mister and Missus agree to meet in the lounge and pretend they don't know each other, so we can already tell that this is about to devolve into "sitcom antics" reaaaaal quick.

Okay fine, I like this receptionist guy. If we're ranking one-off characters, it goes

1. Dancing Guy
2. Nunzio
3. Hotel Receptionist

Lauren would be up there, but she's not really a one-off. Hotel Receptionist is played by John Balma, who hasn't had any huge roles, but consistent minor ones since this. He's been on eight episodes of Parks and Rec as "Barney", who I don't remember at all... I'm gonna have to rewatch some of that.

Alright, time for the antics. In his excitement, Alan tells the woman next to him at the desk that he's going to be having a baby, and the woman gives him a congratulatory hug, which Eric sees from the background as adultery. Let me be clear. I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate these kinds of Flintstones Scooby Doo garbage ass scenarios.

Eric tells Jack about what he saw Alan doing, and Jack claims that it's a case of "Prom Fever".

I don't know how that's related to Alan having an affair, but Jack moves over to the exit to stop couples from going up to hotel rooms. It's pretty damn ridiculous, and Mister Feeny commends this behavior. From what we've seen of Feeny, I'd bet dollars to donuts that he was rockin' the bedroom way before his senior prom. Don't be a hypocrite, Feeny.

Cory reaches his hotel room and realizes that he forgot to bring Topanga. Is that supposed to be funny or are they just wasting time? Back down at the dance, Feeny announces prom king and queen. To no one's surprise, Cory and Topanga are the winners. How do we feel about this? Everyone at the school certainly knows that they're a long term couple, but I still wouldn't say they're popular. Cory has exactly one friend. Now there's nothing wrong with that, of course, it's just not conducive to becoming prom king.

So Cory spirits his girlfriend away, up to the hotel room, and Jack is unable to stop them. Cory and Topanga begin passionately kissing, and Topanga starts taking off Cory's suit. Way to go Topanga. Way to go writing staff. This is the man she loves after all!

Meanwhile Eric bribes Hotel Receptionist for the room number of "Mister Matthews," and he just ends up interrupting Cory and Topanga instead of his father. More Flintstones humor. Eric returns to Hotel Receptionist and tries to bribe him again, but he's looking for a bit more money this time.

Eric: "How bout two Mister Lincolns... And a mystery bag..." And he pulls this little plastic bag with a clown on it out of his pocket.

That's it, I'm done. That's the best joke in the show. I don't need to go any further. Oh my god, I can't stop laughing. "And a mystery bag..." That is pure, unfiltered Eric right there. Perfection.

Back at the room, they get interrupted by Howie and then Topanga accidentally stabs Cory in the eye with her thumb. She sends him out to get ice for his eye, as well as some sodas, and now it's time for the EPITOME of Flintstones humor. Cory sets his card key on top of the ice container fridge thing, gets his ice, and walks off to find a soda machine without his card key. Now Alan comes out of his hotel room, which is of course right next door to Cory's, sets his own key next to Cory's, gets ice, and walks back with Cory's key. He tries to open his own door, then tries Cory's door and makes his way in to find a horrified Topanga. Now Cory grabs Alan's key and finds his mother. I wouldn't be surprised if they all started slipping on banana peels and telling knock knock jokes.

It's so thoroughly anti-funny that it ruins the episode for me. God, and we just had the mystery bag too. This switcheroo scene is all I can think of when it comes to this episode, so it never seems worth watching. But we were doing great up to that point.

Now Eric shows up, still under the impression that his father is having an affair.

Topanga emerges from the room, so Eric thinks that his dad was having an affair with Topanga.

Yes, there's the great culmination of all the contrived nonsense of this episode. That punchline is what we've worked so hard for. I'll admit that it made me laugh, but mostly because Will Friedle's delivery is so perfect.

The party's all here now as Cory and Amy emerge from the other room, and they announce to everyone that they're having another baby. This in-your-face unplanned pregnancy leads Corpanga to decide not to have sex after all, which is kind of.. ugh.. but at the same time it reaaaaaaally doesn't seem like Cory brought a condom. Not once at any point in this episode does ANYONE so much as mention any sort of contraception. That in itself is pretty disappointing. So they head back down to the dance.

Let's talk about what went right. Similar to the drinking episode, our heroes weren't preached to, or scolded, or commanded, they reached the decision together on their own. I can't tell you how glad I am that it wasn't some fragile girl throwing on the brakes under the pressure of a horny out of control male. That's what most shows do, and all that does is perpetuate the toxic idea that sex is something men do to women, rather than the healthy truth that it's something they both do together. (Or men and men, or women and women.) Boy Meets World went with the healthy truth. And so this episode got banned from Disney Channel. Fight the power.

What we have to understand is that there's no way in the universe they could ever air this episode if Topanga and Cory actually have sex (off camera, obviously). There's just no way. So with that in mind, I'm pretty happy with everything that happened, except for the glaring flaw that no one ever mentioned using a condom.

During the credits, Shawn asks Cory what happened, and Cory and Topanga give him this look like "you know what happened" which is a little... weird... Like, it really looks like they're saying "yeah we did it", which would be fine, but just based on what we saw they almost certainly did not. Unless it happened in the elevator on the way down. I don't get it.

Plot: 0.75 - I liked the first 75% of it, but then the god damn Flintstones shenanigans started and I could barely watch.

Character Development: 1.0 - A "nice girl" who wants to have sex. Thank you Michael Jacobs, for not taking the easy way out, for daring to tell the truth.

Humor: 1.0 - The BS at the end was annoying, but the fuckin MYSTERY BAG. Oh man, I'm still laughing. Wayyyyyyy too funny.

Life Lesson: 0.5 - Ehhhh I don't know, this one's hard to score. It almost seems like Alan was saying "don't have sex unless you're okay with a pregnancy", which I think is silly, but at the same time they were showing us not to be afraid of being intimate with someone you care about. WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY MENTION CONDOMSSSSSSSSSS. OR THE PILLLLL OR ANYTHINGGGGGG.

3.25 out of 4.0. I've been pretty thorough with my analysis so far, so there's not much left to say. It's a good episode, Hotel Receptionist is awesome, but you might as well turn it off when Cory leaves to get ice. What was the point of Howie? I thought he might actually impact the story but he was just a gag character. And not a very good one.