So we're still at The Elopening, where Topanga's unable to finish saying "I do", she keeps getting stuck after "I". She eventually flees the scene, which kiiiiiiiiiiinda makes me feel like the entire last episode was a big poopy waste of time. Was that "Her Answer" just now? Is it over?
Apparently not, since Cory's still gotta drive them both back to Philly, which is quite possibly the most uncomfortable situation in the universe.
The atmosphere doesn't get much better than that, and Topanga explains that she wants a thoroughly meaningful wedding. That sounds like something she really ought to have known before deciding to elope in the previous episode. And she manages to act like Cory's the bad guy, which is annoying.
At home, Amy and Alan are talking through Cory's eloping. Alan insists that Cory wouldn't really go through with it, and then wants to go to bed since it's so late, kicking off one of the best multi-hit jokes in the series.
(It's hard to explain without the gifs, because it's over the course of a couple minutes. Sorry. But if you're familiar, it's the "creeps and weirdos" running joke.)
As everyone shows up they give their thoughts on The Elopening, but one important detail they sneaked in here is that both Eric and Shawn were expecting to be Cory's best man, That comes up again in the future, so I like to think they're giving us a little teaser here now. Feeny, though, is more interested in talking about himself and his retirement. As usual, Eric freaks out at the mention of his mentor's retirement, but Feeny explains that when you care about someone, you should be supportive of their decisions, even if it's hard. This, of course, draws a parallel to everyone's negative reactions toward The Elopening, It would appear that they've all decided to be more supportive. It's almost impossible for us to be invested in that, though, since we already know Cory and Topanga didn't go through with it.
Over in Rachelville the next morning, it's time for another production of Rachel Is Attractive Theater.
This plays out exactly like every scene from the previous episode.
Boys: "Wow Rachel is hot."
Rachel: "You guys are my heroes!"
The subject of Rachel's likability came up in the comments for the last episode, so let's look at that. I guess I would agree that she's likable as a person, I mean yeah she's cute and super friendly, you can see yourself being friends with her, and the actress is skilled enough. But that doesn't outweigh the fact that as a character she's horribly one dimensional and boring. I feel like I just described Riley on Girl Meets World. But who knows. Angela and Jack both had a couple great episodes last season, so hopefully Rachel turns out the same way.
She mentions that she's going to go take a bubble bath, and then Eric and Jack give us like seven jokes that are all centered on the fact that they enjoy the thought of her being naked in their home. It's just... ugh... such lazy writing. This turn of events leads the boys profess their love for each other once Rachel goes to take her bath. It's funny, and we all love to see the bromances on this show. But on the other hand, they're bonding over creeping on Rachel, so I'm torn.
Now Cory and Topanga arrive back at the Matthews House, where everyone congratulates them on their marriage. Let me explain why I hate this. It's almost exactly two minutes of bull shit. Cory and Topanga want to be showered in compliments and good tidings, so they don't bother correcting the misunderstanding, which just fills the entire scene with needless dialogue. Why do we have to sit here and listen to everyone give a speech about their marriage, when we already know it didn't happen? We don't care about this. Yeah you could argue that there's some emotional value to it, but it's ultimately worthless since they're all mostly faking it to show support. This is pure 100% Colombian waste of time.
After that two minutes passes, it's Amy's turn for a speech. She can't keep up the facade though, and expresses her disapproval, and finally takes a shot at Topanga with "Why couldn't you have just gone to Yale?" It seems a little out of character for her to be so cruel, but we don't really know enough about her to talk about it.
In one of Cory's most impressive moments to date (and I'm not being sarcastic) he explodes at his mother for saying something so horrible. It's a powerful moment for his character. I think I've been impressed every time that Cory gets actually angry.
Cory: "We didn't GET married, because SHE wanted YOU to be there!"
In a very rapid change of tone, it's time for another installment of Rachel Is Attractive Theater. Jack bought her a book as a gift, while Eric bought her a bird. Rachel seems overwhelmed by her gifts though, and retreats to her bedroom. Eric wonders if they can eat the bird. Actually pretty funny.
Back at home, we learn just what the fuck is wrong with Amy. Alan makes his way through the dialogue tree, and it turns out that Amy doesn't want to be replaced as Cory's caretaker, and is generally having a hard time letting go. It's a believable result for her character, and Betsy Randle does a fantastic job with it, but it still doesn't justify her outburst from earlier. That was some serious vitriol.
The Theater resumes as Rachel reemerges from he room with a big suitcase. The boys assume she's moving out, and start to apologize for all their creepy objectification and promise not to do it anymore.
Jack: "We have to stop treating you like a..."
Eric: "Puff-pastry on a plate..."
Jack: "And more like a..."
Eric: "...Person..."
I sure am glad they acknowledged that. I hope this new resolution lasts.
Either way, Rachel wasn't planning on moving out anyway. Her suitcase was just full of stuff from her last boyfriend (who she was originally living with) and was going to throw it into an incinerator. She acknowledges the sexual tension, and admits she could fall for either one of them, but agrees that they all need to keep it platonic. So again, I hope this lasts.
The oven dings and Eric says "Bird's ready", and they go to eat their freshly cooked pet bird.
I really like that joke. First of all because I wasn't expecting it, and second because it shows a shift from how Jack started out season 5. Here he is going along with Eric doing something silly (eating a bird he bought for Rachel) instead of just making fun of him. That's much better.
A hop, skip, and a jump takes us to a park, in front of a monkey-bar jungle-gym... thing... I checked, and this is indeed the same place where Starry Night ended, and, before that, was where Cory and Topanga met for the first time. Which is to say that there is some version of the retcon where that is true. I never actually noticed that until today, so that's fun.
Amy explains why she was a bitch-a-saurus earlier, and ends up giving her mother's engagement ring to Topanga to wear. Cory grabs it and proposes to Topanga on the spot, since their first proposal/engagement was nullified when the wedding failed. Or whatever. And okay, this is Her Answer. So they met here, Starry Night happened here, and now they're engaged here. And the best part is, NO ONE MENTIONS ANY OF THAT. The significance of this location is entirely subtext. And I think it's much more special that way. Thumbs up.
Corpanga announce that they haven't decided on a wedding date. They're going to get married "when they're ready."
During the credits, a going-away party is being held for Feeny in The Kitchen. Eric gives the exact same speech that Amy gave earlier, except directed at Feeny. Very funny.
That's like the third time we've seen Angela in this episode, but she hasn't had any lines at all. Weird.
Plot: 0.5 - CAWRY N TUPOONG R GET MARRYYYY
Character Development: 1.0 - Amy finally approves of the engagement, Jack and Eric stop creeping on Rachel.
Humor: 1.0 - Mostly Eric, but Shawn and Cory had their moments too. And that whole "creeps and weirdos" bit gets me every time.
Life Lesson: 0 - Don't eat your pet birds.
2.5 out of 4.0. - Enjoyable. Eric makes it worth watching. And the really real engagement of our main couple is an important landmark. The weird thing though is that it's not like we've made any progress since the end of Graduation. They're still getting married. IMPORTANT FOLLOW UP QUESTION: WHERE THE HELL DOES SHAWN LIVE? I mean he must have moved back to the trailer, right? He and Cory don't move to the dorm until the next episode. You'd think they would mention that somewhere.
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