You can't center an episode around whether or not a newborn is going to die. By default there are only two paths we can take. Either he lives and the whole episode is just one big emotion-bait, or he dies and what the fuck you just killed a baby and now the parents are going to spiral into depression. Looking at our options, it's about 99.9% chance the baby lives, so any suspense in the plot is automatically wasted. It's not like Chet, who we already had an attachment to, and actually could have gone either way. Added to the fact that we've all seen this already and know how it ends... like... what am I holding on to here? Is the life lesson the power of medicine? Yeah science and medicine kick ass, but that's not why I'm watching this show.
Let's get this over with. Right away the redhead doctor who used to be a journalist informs the parents that they're getting a new doctor, a specialist with newborns, and even he isn't sure if their baby is going to live. But we're sure, so *snore*.
Out in the waiting room, Cory is once again making this all about himself. It's difficult to even explain what he's talking about because it doesn't make any sense. He wants Topanga to be there for him, which she is, but it.. doesn't count..? because she's not acting like she used to when they were kids..?
Topanga: "I don't like it when you use "us" to hide from the rest of life, Cory."
Cory: "I don't like it that you're not Topanga anymore."
That was an expert deduction by Topanga, I'm glad SOMEONE understands what he's doing. But of course he responded with insanity that makes you want to punch him in the face. It immediately fades out of that scene, over to Eric hanging out with Tommy at The Apartment. This is one of those remote cases of continuity, as we first met Tommy all the way back in the Christmas episode, number 11. The writers have shown us a certain amount of respect by not blatantly reminding us who Tommy is, and I appreciate that.
Ever since Jack and Rachel "got together", Eric's been acting less like himself, which Tommy picks up on as the two of them pack Eric's suitcase.
That's actually kind of adorable. As child actors go, Tommy's certainly not the worst.
Jachel come home, pleading with Eric not to move out. Okay so that's what the suitcase is for. All one of the suitcases. The topic of conversation shifts over to the baby dying, and Tommy decides he wants to go visit Eric's new brother in the hospital. The audience thinks it's cute, but it seems obnoxious to me.
Topanga comes home to her dorm and holy shit it's Angela. All we've had to say about her the last few episodes is that she wasn't there. Topanga explains what happened with her dumb boyfriend, and Angela comments that Topanga is handling the baby situation "very maturely", but clarifies that that's not a compliment. Oh god this can't be happening. Angela's insane too.
Topanga begins to reminisce about her time as "the weird kid" in season 1, and tells Angela the story of helping Cory with "a poem for school" when she danced around his kitchen and put lipstick on her face. She's referring to 1x04, "Cory's Alternative Friends", and is giving a false account of what happened. It's nitpicky, but they might as well have just said what actually happened.
Angela tries to convince Topanga to indulge in Cory's lunacy. "Dance around him. Help him through what's going on." I get the sentiment here, like do whatever you have to to comfort him while his little brother is dying, I get that. But Topanga had the right of it when she told him not to hide from the rest of his life. He needs comfort, that's fine, but he still needs to face the situation.
Maybe Feeny will help. Cory finds the old man having coffee at The Union and explains his frustration with Topanga.
Feeny: "She's growing up, Cory! So are you!"
Cory: "But why does she have to grow now?"
I'M LEAVIN YA CORY. THAT'S IT. TIME TO REVIEW FRESH PRINCE.
I mean come on. MAYBE we could have a real conversation about this if he wasn't completely bullshitting right now. Topanga grew up at the beginning of season 2! She stopped being weird when she started seventh grade. You are in college now, Cory. Have you paid literally no attention to your girlfriend for the last five years?!
Instead of responding to that question, Feeny offers to take Cory to see his baby brother.
We're in the ICU now with Amy, Alan, and some other concerned parents. Amy has decided to name her new son "Joshua Gabriel Matthews". Biblical-Figure Archangel Matthews. See the problem with that name is that it's not cheesy enough. Was "God Christ Matthews" already taken? I just gave a moment to thinking about naming, and it occurs to me that if, on Girl Meets World, Auggie's middle name isn't "Shawn", then the entire show is a waste of time. I feel like that would have come up in the Christmas episode, so it's almost certainly not the case, and that's pretty disappointing.
So Mista and Misses are hanging out with their baby, and Alan tells God to "come on", whatever that means. Eric and Tommy watch from a window and then head home. We see that Topanga still hasn't strayed from her path, as she and Cory have another completely insane fight.
Topanga: "We can't have that relationship anymore."
Cory: "Why?!"
Topanga: "I'm not like that anymore."
Cory: "Why not?!"
Are you seeing this shit? Is Cory ten years old right now? He never cared a moment in the last five years that Topanga wasn't "weird" anymore, but now that he needs something from her, he thinks she's a villain!
Just then, Shawn arrives at the hospital, back from his road trip that lasted, what, a week? Cory's first reaction is to say "Shawny", which he neglected to ever say in the Christmas episode of Girl Meets World, something that a large number of fans have taken issue with. Shawn says all the hopeful things Cory needs to hear, that everything's going to be okay, all the fun they're going to have with Joshua in the future... And this all turns Cory's attitude right around. And that's fine. It's heartwarming to see Shawn bring Cory back to life. I don't have a problem with Cory wanting some hope to hold on to. It's just bull shit the way he's taking out his anger on Topanga, who has done absolutely nothing wrong.
The doctor suggests that Cory go in and talk to Joshua, and Shawn and Topanga tag along.
Doctor, to Shawn: "Oh I'm sorry, family only."
Alan: "Um, he is family."
That's really sweet, but I can't ignore the fact that she didn't try to stop Topanga. And how does she even know he's not family? What a jerk.
So the trio are in the ICU with Joshy Josh now, and it's pretty uncomfortable to watch. The slow, evocative music is playing while they talk to Josh. It's the definition of emotion-bait, and all I can do is roll my eyes. Let's make a note, though, of what Shawn says in his ridiculous monologue directed at this day old infant. "Don't go out of town. Don't go anywhere. Life is right here with these people, with your family. And my family. We got the greatest family there is, Josh." IS THAT RIGHT, SHAWN. IS THAT A FACT. BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE YOU DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THAT SHIT WHEN RILEY IS BORN A FEW YEARS FROM NOW. Spoilers, if you haven't watched that Christmas GMW, Shawn left town when Riley was born because, and here's the kicker, he didn't have a family. This is the worst.
That right there is the smug face of a man who never takes his own advice.
At The Apartment, Tommy and Eric goof around some more, and then Eric takes the last of his things out the door for good. It fades back to the hospital where the showrunners did their damnedest to make us think that Joshua had passed away, but he is in fact ready to go home with his family. And then the audience fucking applauds and cheers as Amy and Alan walk off camera. Are you serious with this?
The parents proceed out to the waiting room where everyone else is, well, waiting. Shawn makes some comments, and Angela's right next to him, but she's had zero lines since that one scene in the dorm with Topanga.
Topanga draws on her face with lipstick to remind Cory of who she used to be, and Shawn's response is the same as it was in 1x04, which you might not know if you weren't me.
Shawn: "Use a mirror babe."
You can see Cory's head peeking into the shot at the end of that gif, and he's got the lipstick heart on his face too, but that hasn't happened yet, as you can see in the first part of the gif. So that shot of Topanga's smiling face is... not where it's supposed to be.
So yeah, Topanga draws on Cory's face too, and they agree to be each other's Valentine, even though that was several days ago. The very last shot of the episode shows us the ICU again, and how all the other parents are still there.
Credit where credit is due, that may be the best artistic choice of the whole series, showing us that last shot of the ICU. They could have left us feeling good and optimistic, but Jacobs said "No, make it real." It's powerful.
(The credits are just the logo and music.)
Plot: 0.25 - It's dumb! We're already almost certain that Joshua isn't going to die from the beginning, and at the end there's no real exposition about it. He just... got better. My opinion on this probably doesn't sit well with some of you, and I'm sorry, but this one just doesn't do anything for me. Especially with Cory being an asshole the entire time.
Character Development: 0.75 - For Eric moving out, and Topanga bringing back some weirdness. I do like the idea of Topanga bringing back some weirdness (which I don't think comes up again after this episode), I just hate that Cory demanded it from her after five years just so she could make him feel better.
Humor: 0.25 - Almost none.
Life Lesson: 0.5 - Hope is important, but if a newborn is teetering on the edge between life and death, you really ought to come to terms with the reality of the situation.
1.75 out of 4.0. And that's the end of Grandpa KBM's story. I don't like this episode and I never watch it. I don't think Topanga's weirdness comes up again after this episode, and everyone seemed to validate Cory's assholeness the entire time. I just don't enjoy anything that happened, except for that very last shot of the ICU.
Thanks for reading, see you Wednesday.
All images used under Fair Use.
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