Episode 7x11 "What A Drag!"

Don't worry, there's actually a worthwhile analysis at the end.

Crazy Luther is breaking into The Union.

Eric: "Crazy Luther? The guy who sells stereo equipment at low low prices?!"

No Eric, not that Crazy Luther. This one is crazy enough to think this tiny ass building is suitable for the rave he's throwing tonight. Jack and Eric call the cops, but, according to Jack, they do so "before he could do anything illegal." This is the worst instance of thinly veiled exposition that we've seen in a long time. Two cops are just standing there holding Luther by the shoulders while Eric and Jack explain twenty years of events to each other and the viewer. It's a really terrible shot to kick off a terrible episode. We'll just forget about the whole trespassing and breaking+entering, so the cops leave and Crazy Luther vows to kill Eric and Jack at some point in the future.

Eric: "Too much makeup?"
Shawn: "Too much ugly."

You know those movies that have like, a dog playing sports or something? If you don't think that a dog playing sports is entertaining, then you're doomed from the start because every joke branches off of that characteristic. This episode is a lot like that. If you don't think that Eric in drag doing a French girly voice is entertaining, then you're dead in the water.

I am dead in the water.

Shawn lends his expertise to Eric's plight, yet he does so without ever mentioning Chick Like Me. We've seen proof that there's no rule against making callbacks to earlier episodes, but, like last episode, Shawn is giving experienced advice without anyone commenting on his experience. In fact, Cory calls back Chick Like Me in 5x22. It's like the new writers never even watched the show.

At The Dorm, Topanga discovers that her husband has painted every wall except the fourth with road-stripe-yellow paint as she walks in the door.

I think Topanga borrowed Jack's "manly step-ups" from 6x19.

Well that's fantastic, we're playing the "I hate it but I can't tell him I hate it" game. How many times has Topanga jumped down Cory's throat about being open and honest?

While I was getting that I noticed that Ben Sandwich and Schneider just trade clothes when the director tells them to get into costume. Never caught that before.

So Jack and Eric go down to The Union as Lala and Chantal, respectively, for reasons that I cannot begin to imagine. Are they risking their lives and massive embarrassment just to go get a coffee? Either way, Crazy Luther is there and he tries to hit on Jack, but Monsieur Feeny swoops in to have a word with the boys. He says Eric looks like a bison, which is true, and comments that he has DD fake breasts, "just like your grades." I don't think anyone has ever made that joke before. It's just too clever.

 The punchline for about another minute is "Eric is doing a french accent as a girl," like I was saying before about dogs and sports. Crazy Luther keeps trying to flirt with Jack/Lala.

Topanga is also here at The Union, and Cory runs up to her with all his recent purchases at Cork World. It's funny but not funny enough to redeem anything, and then our boy runs off to Thumbtack City.

Crazy Luther won't take no for an answer, so it looks like Jack's going on a date. This is a good time to stop and reflect. Crazy Luther is treating Jack almost exactly like Gary treated Shawn in Chick Like Me, except this time instead of making an important point it's just for cheap laughs. That's season 7 in a nutshell right there.

Now here's something you won't believe.

Eric cries to Topanga that he's ugly, although she doesn't know it's Eric. They talk about husbands, and SOMEHOW SOMEWAY IN A FARAWAY BIZARRO UNIVERSE, Eric gives Topanga advice about how to handle the situation with Cory. She needs Eric to tell her to just be honest with Cory? What the hell show am I watching?

The punchline in this scene is that Eric is pretending to be a girl and it lasts about six times longer than it needs to. There's a stupidly long dialogue between Jack and Crazy Luther in The Union but I was looking at reddit instead of paying attention. Eric has just run over with a camera though, so it looks like they're going to pull the old gay-photo-blackmail-switcheroo.

Oh and in case you forgot, Eric is dressed like a girl.

I'm sorry Dancing Guy, you deserve better than that.

Topanga prepares to tell Cory that she doesn't like yellow or cork, but when she enters The Dorm we see a much nicer looking place than any of us could have expected. Especially since you've got to be kidding me that he did all this in one day.

At The Union, Jack is overcompensating for dressing like normal again, while Eric wants to be Chantal for a bit longer. Oh wow it's over, doesn't even have a scene during the credits. Yup, I checked, this is the second shortest episode in the series at 19:41. I've never actually looked at this before, so let's do a little length analysis just to add some actual substance to this review.

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Season 1 episodes are all over 22 minutes, fourteen of which are over 23. The longest of the season, and of the whole series, is episode 3, Father Knows Less, at 23:16. And that episode is fantastic. The shortest is episode 2 at 22:22.

Season 2 episodes are all over 22 minutes, with only the season premiere over 23 at 23:01. The shortest is the finale at 22:03.

Season 3 has no episodes over 23 minutes, and has two which dip down into the 21:xx range. The longest episode, the season premiere, is 22:31, and the shortest, episode 12, is 21:15.

Season 4 episodes are all under 22 minutes, the longest (episode 4) at 21:59, with Singled Out dipping under 21 at 20:30. Chris Hardwick is expensive, yo.

Season 5 episodes are all under 22 minutes. The longest is the season finale at 21:44, and the shortest is Eric Hollywood at 20:27. If any of the short episodes deserved more time, it was that one.

Season 6 ties with season 5 for longest, with Road Trip at 21:44, and has the shortest episode of the series, You're Married You're Dead, at 19:37. I think we all remember what a pile of garbage that one was.

Season 7 has overall better duration than 6, with the longest (excluding the 2-part finale) at 21:52, which unfortunately was the previous episode, Pickett Fences, and of course this episode is the shortest of the season at 19:41.

So there's a general trend of decreasing in length, but was that all a waste of time? My first thought was yes, because of differing theme-song lengths, and the fact that a scene-during-the-credits may be shorter than the credits over the logo while still providing more time of actual content. However, without addressing those concerns, there is one surefire conclusion. Seasons 6 and 7 have theme songs of the same length, and both You're Married You're Dead and this episode had credits-over-the-logo, so indeed YMYD has less content than this episode.

Now, let's factor in theme-song length.
Season 1: 58 seconds
Season 2: 7 seconds
Season 3: 10 seconds
Season 4: 21 seconds
Seasons 5,6, and 7: 22 seconds

It's hard to account for the ones with credits-over-the-logo, but we're looking for general trends, and most episodes have content during the credits, I don't think we even saw the logo credits until like season 5, so let's just chalk that up to acceptable error.

TL;DR after subtracting off the theme-song length, we end up with the following durations for shortest and longest episodes, with the episode number in parentheses.

Season 1: 22:18 (3), 21:24 (2)
Season 2: 22:54 (1), 21:56 (23)
Season 3: 22:21 (1), 21:05 (12)
Season 4: 21:38 (4), 20:09 (7)
Season 5: 21:22 (24), 20:05 (19)
Season 6: 21:22 (15), 19:15 (8)
Season 7: 21:30 (10), 19:19 (11)

So in fact the premiere of season 2 wins a LANDSLIDE victory as the episode with the most content (and it does have a scene during the credits). We see an overall increase in content from season 1 to 2, and then a steady decrease after that. Cool stuff.

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I guess I still have to score this episode.

Plot: 0 - Pitiful, awful, I would rather watch Chick Like Me ten times out of ten. How did they take the same story and do it so perfectly one time, and so god awful wrong the second time? The guy who wrote Chick Like Me also wrote Security Guy, so hi five for him, and the guy who wrote this one only did two other episodes: The Psychotic Episode, which sucked, and episode 21 of this season, which I believe also sucks.

Character Development: 0 - Nothing remotely close to development occurred.

Humor: 0.25 - I enjoyed Cory's enthusiasm about Cork World. But as for Eric... How did it get this bad? "My hosiery is bunching" from Chick Like Me is funnier than every joke in this episode combined. 

Life Lesson: 0 - Sometimes, not even Eric can save you.

0.25 out of 4.0. I think this is the lowest score I've ever given. No Guts No Cory got a 0.5. Episode 20 of this season might be able to pull off that perfect 0 though. Keep hope alive.

Thanks for reading, see you tomorrow.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 7x10 "Pickett Fences"

Oh thank goodness, we're still not at the crossdressing episode yet.

Let's start calling it The Apartment again, since Shawn is living here again. He's discussing "the kids" with Angela, and how they haven't had a moment alone since "the kids" got here. Cory and Topanga emerge from the bedroom area in large pajamas acting like children. So that's the joke here, and boy do they make sure we know it.

Shawn: "I hate the kids."

Me too, Shawnie Shawn. I think it's time for a moment of self reflection. Have I become jaded? Has reviewed this show three times a week broken my soul and destroyed my ability to enjoy the shenanigans of these characters? It certainly seems like it at times, but I know for a fact that I could put on any episode from seasons 2-5 and have a good time. But this is just stupid. Is it intentional? Is the goal to make me hate Cory and Topanga? Why?

Fortunately Angela shares Shawn's eagerness to get rid of the most annoying newlyweds on television. And the two are both pretty funny in their derision of Cory and Topanga. Eventually they got forced out the door, and it's unclear where they wander off to in their pajamas. At The Union the next day, Rachel tells Angela (woah this is rare, when are these two ever alone together?) that she's going to become a dorm RA so as not to interfere with Angela's relationship with Shawn. But interfering with Cory and Topanga is fine, obviously, since she kicked them out just last episode.

Shawn comes in with a gigantic St Bernard that he apparently has bought for him and Angela. I don't think we ever see it again after this episode. Over at Brew Lagoon, there's a slight shift in management.

Eric: "And who might you be, pretty lady?"
Attractive woman: "I'm your new boss."

Her dad is the chancellor of the univeristy, and she admits that this is blatant nepotism, but tough tuchus. Braindead Zombie Eric is here today, and he has no problem being dominated by this girl. It's Desiree times a million, and at least with Desiree he was capable of feeling shame. And he was actually dating Desiree. So as usual, Braindead Zombie Eric is funny but completely one-dimensional and predictable. Oh and she's played by Nicole Eggert who was on Charles in Charge, but I only know that because Family Guy made a joke about it. She was also a recurring character on BAYWATCH. THERE'S A SURPRISE. And she did some voice acting for "The Dog Who Saved Easter" in 2014, widely regarded as the Citizen Kane of our time.

Jack isn't going to put up with her bullshit though and vows to protect Eric from her. It's an interesting gesture, because on one hand I really like what it says about Jack, but on the other it reminds us that Eric is a weak willed sod who has basically enslaved himself to this girl 10 seconds after meeting her. After everything Eric went through in the first six seasons, he should be able to handle this girl all on his own. It's the same thing I (and commenters) have been saying for a while. His entire character has been sacrificed for humor.

In another attempt to convince us that dorm contracts don't exist, Cory and Topanga are shopping around for a new home. they find one they really love that they can't possibly afford (as indicated by Topanga). Some woman who gets applause from the audience is the realtor but I don't recognize her.

Topanga: "This man is a dope."

Said the woman who just a few hours ago screamed for spaghetti in her full body pajamas.

This actress is Jo Anne Worley, most known as a performer on something called Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In from 1968-1970. She was Belle's big wardrobe in Beauty and the Beast, and even brought that voice back for the Kingdom Hearts games, so she's definitely got my approval. Apparently there's a way for them to pay off this house over 30 years if they can get two parents to cosign the loan or whatever. Alan rightfully refuses since he doesn't want to lose his own house when Cory inevitably misses a payment. It plays out a lot like the scene with Cory and Alan from the last episode, with Amy more willing to support her husband's side this time. Like last time, I appreciate the spirit of the scene. Cory wants his parents to save him, Alan knows that married adult Cory has to stand on his own.

Alan: "Cory, my son, whom I love, figure it out."

It may seem like Alan's being unnecessarily harsh, but it's not like the kids are living in the streets. They've got a place to live.

Shangela are visiting the Looks-Like-It-Was-Once-On-Fire couples dorm of their friends, and Shawn brings the smackdown onto Cory.

Shawn: "Imagine you had some pride in the place and fix the rusty pipes! You wanna live in a nice place you have to work at it!"

This scene is awesome. This is the guy who grew up in a dirt poor trailer park eating fish cooked on the engine of his dad's car. And now his upper middle class friend won't stop bitching about this place he's made no effort to improve. Damn right he's pissed! Shawn is the perfect guy to set Cory straight on this matter. On the other hand, I can't shake this nagging feeling that the writers didn't really intend all of that since no one ever mentions the fact that Shawn lives in worse conditions for most of his life. I wish Shawn (or anyone else, for that matter) had brought that up explicitly. Also there's a box from Popeye's on top of the fridge here, just like at The Apartment.

It seems that Cory doesn't listen to Shawn, so he and Angela hit the road. At The Union, it's more of the same. Eric likes the attractive mean boss lady (her name is Bridget by the way), Jack tries to convince him not to. That's the whole scene. And Jack ends up getting fired for insubordination.

Cory makes an attempt at fixing the sink, but wins up engaged in a game of Swamp Thing, a sort of goofy little sex game. It's endearing, and shows us that they might finally be getting more comfortable here. The random baby-carrying woman from last episode shows up again with her baby, complaining that it never stops crying and yada yada. Topanga offers to watch the baby so Random Baby Carrier Woman can get some sleep. I'm not sure what the point is. Is it that they're making friends here? That they're becoming more attached to this place via attachment to their neighbor? Something like that.

Cory uses The Power of Love and Hollywood™ to fix the sink.

It's dumb and not believable, but it works as a symbol that Cory is finally willing to invest some time into making his new home look nice. So there's the progress.

At The Apartment we get a TOTALLY INCOMPREHENSIBLE SCENE with Shawn and Angela. Shawn doesn't think they've earned their nice apartment, and therefore they don't deserve to live there, and what the fuck is he even talking about. It's an apartment. You earn it by paying rent. And also he's jealous of Cory's shitty dorm, but he also wants to hold on to the nice things that he has, except not the apartment, I don't get it. It's a jumble of attempts at being emotional and none of it really breaks through to me.

That's the dog.

At the Matthews house, it's time for one last confrontation between Cory and his parents. He explains his new sense of independence and his motivation to spruce up The Dorm. Doesn't seem like he ever tells Shawn or apologizes to him for being a total ass, but whatever. Cory's parents are proud of him, and hey, so am I.

Alan: "We made a life for ourselves with nobody's help but our own. I would never take that away from you, son."

During the credits, we learn that Angela is out of The Apartment and Jack and Eric are moving back in. That's highly exciting for me, but I don't get how it happened. Was Angela moving out implicit in that last scene with Shawn? That whole thing is just a void to me. Anyway, it looks like she's going to be rooming with Rachel now. The Apartment will now be called THE APARTMENT since the original 3 are all back. At THE APARTMENT, the dog licks Eric's face and, despite what the audience may think, it's not funny. Glad our boys are back home, though. Real glad.


You know that Green Day song Welcome to Paradise? That song always makes me think of this stupid little dorm arc. It's pretty much exactly what that song is about.

Plot: 0.25 - It's just a continuation from last time. Cory and Topanga whine until they have a very abrupt change of heart. Jack and Eric have a dominatrix as a boss.

Character Development: 1.0 - Cory and Topanga claim their independence, but I don't honestly care that much. The point is coming from Shawn. Shawn's low class status was integral to his character for the first five seasons, but as soon as he went to college it just sort of disappeared. It did make a one-episode return when Chet died, but still, it's gone largely without mention for a while. But in this episode it was relevant in a big way, or at least, in my head it was. Nobody ever mentions his poverty, so there's a real chance that the writers didn't have that in mind. Who knows.

Humor: 0.5 - Eric was pretty un-funny. Guaranteed that someone disagrees and loves this Eric, but it just doesn't work for me.

Life Lesson: 1.0 - Independence or whatever.

2.75 out of 4.0. Aside from my perception of that scene with Shawn, the only interesting thing about this episode is that Rachel and Angela appeared alone in a scene together. Rachgela is definitely new. Next episode is gonna be a real chore, not looking forward to it.

Thanks for reading, see you Wednesday.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 7x09 "The Honeymoon Is Over"

Cory and Topanga show up at the Tnemtrapa where they expect to be greeted by a "Welcome Home Salami." The "salami" part isn't what confuses Rachel and Angela, but rather the "home" part. ONCE AGAIN, Rachel has given away a room at this place without consulting the person who owned it. Holy shit what the shit Rachel. Seriously.

Everybody stop what you're doing.

Listen to me. What the fuck, Rachel. Fool me once, shame on me. Give away an occupied apartment room twice, what the fuck Rachel. It's unbelievable.

So yeah Shawn moved in here, and Cory and Topanga are pretty upset that they have nowhere to live now. There was clearly a breakdown of communication by all parties, not just Rachel, but I still find myself feeling bad for the newlyweds.

In a complete disregard for how dorm assignments work, the couple believe that they can still live in Cory's old dorm. Not so.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh there we go! This is great, this is the Jack/Eric dynamic I've wanted to see again. I think the paradigm example of this relationship is in First Girlfriends Club. That episode is bogus, but it has the perfect version of the Jack/Eric dynamic. It's doubly reminiscent of that episode since the boys are now quickly joined by three attractive women. That was nice. That was a nice scene that gives me some comforting false hope for this season.

That piece of paper in the gif explains that married couples can only live in a married-couples-dorm, so Jack and Eric have taken command of this one.

Next stop is home, but Alan is adamant that Cory can't stay with them now that he's married. Alamant... Alanmant... There's another scene with Alan at the end, so we'll talk more about him when we get there.

Alan: "Cory don't make me beat you up in front of your wife."

Amy asks her son how he could just not prepare for this situation at all, and his response is bullshit because Amy is completely right. Cory's taking the mantle of responsibility, but Topanga utterly failed to prepare as well, so she's equally (and uncharacteristically) to blame. Now that I think about it, it's genuinely surprising that Topanga could let this happen. Keep that in mind though, because I have a theory about it that's gonna come up later.

Later, at The Union, our heroes learn from Angela and Shawn that, due to a homicide, a couples' dorm is now available for them to live in. I'm not a fan of them lucksacking into having a place to live, but fine. What's more interesting is the way the couples' dorms are presented. Look at this hallway.

There's no reason in the universe that these hallways would be so awful looking, especially this palette of There-Was-A-Fire-Here Brown. Inside the rooms, sure, but come on. And there's the sad guitar music playing. It's a full force attempt at making us feel bad about this place, but it's so overbearing that it ends up being silly. Like it feels like an after school special, like a police officer is about to tell me not to do drugs.

And there's a toddler standing out here in the hall, played by Michael Jacobs's kid in a sweeping display of either nepotism or budgetary constraints. Or both. He informs Corpanga that he sees dead people, which was probably funny back then, like Eric quoting South Park.

The inside of the dorm is comically bad, just like the hallway. I'm going to be calling this The Dorm from now on, even though it's not much of a dorm at all, it's more of an apartment. They've got a fridge and an oven and everything right in here. Normal tiny dorms are already highway robbery, so this place must cost a fortune. 

Some random ass woman walks in here and contributes nothing to the plot for a whole minute and then she leaves. Fantastic.

Who uh, who is this one, Jacobs's daughter and granddaughter? His wife? Why'd we do this?

So we're in Feeny's class now, it's history this time, and the newlyweds are disheveled and exhausted. Feeny dismisses class to try to give them advice, but none of it really sticks.

Cory: "What are you, a fortune cookie?!"
Topanga: "Who has cookies?"

Okay, theory time. I'm sitting here wondering why I'm enjoying this, with the fact that Topanga was inexplicably irresponsible for once, and then by the end of this scene with Feeny it hits me. Topanga is acting like Shawn. This whole thing feels like a Cory/Shawn adventure. Topanga is being dopey and snarky and... sidekick-y. That's the secret here, they wrote her like Shawn rather than herself. And aside from being completely disingenuous, it's actually working. And it sure doesn't hurt that Cory isn't bitching about sex anymore.

As Corpanga leave the classroom unsatisfied, Feeny admits to himself that he is a fortune cookie, which is totally not true.

Meanwhile, Eric and Jack are playing some sort of billiards-hockey in The Union.

Absolutely fantastic. That's the kind of silly-dumbness that I enjoy from Eric, rather than some in-your-face he's-an-idiot thing, as well as the easygoing sidekick from Jack, rather than the judgmental heckler. Good good good. Rachel is there asking them how everything's going, and the triplets walk in right on cue. They're quickly stolen away by a set of male triplets though, leaving our boys all alone once more.

Eric: "You wanna go volunteer to be experimented on?"
Jack: "Sure."

Over at Brew Lagoon, Shangela are having coffee with Corpanga, and it's a continued complain-a-thon. There are some funny bits until Topanga starts crying and runs off... which is more like Shawn than Topanga, so we've still got that going on. Cory complains to Shawn that he can't provide for or protect his wife, and honestly the whole thing makes Topanga sound so weak and helpless, and the way she's acting only makes it worse. I don't like this very much. Cory even pointed out to her at the beginning of the episode that she has suddenly abandoned her ideals of an equal partnership.

Cory: "Talk about how I've been... married for one week and I already can't protect my wife?"

Cory insists that Shawn can't help with this problem, and that he himself has to take care of this on his own. But then it immediately cuts to him asking his dad for help, so I dunno. But once again we're seeing Alan's brand of awesome parenting. Cory is a married man now, and Alan needs him to understand and accept the responsibility that comes with that. This scene is awesome, and really lives up to the name of the series. He thought he was ready to get married, so now he has to deal with it. Granted, this all comes from a COMPLETE lack of any sort of preparation on his or Topanga's part, but the idea is there. And we haven't had a good life lesson from Alan in a while.

Alan: "This is your life. Deal with your life."

You can see Amy's legs back there on the stairs, she doesn't want to be a part of this, and initially she wanted to let Cory stay with them. That's interesting, since back in 6x01 it was Alan who wanted to coddle Eric, and Amy who insisted that he couldn't stay with them.

Back at The Dorm, Cory tells his wife they'll have to see this through on their own.

During the credits, we see some bloopers of Jacobs's kid flubbing his line, yet another display of either nepotism or budget constraints.

Plot: 0.5 - Cory and Topanga are idiots. Rachel is a bigger idiot. Simple communication could have prevented all of this, and then even when a miracle lands Corpanga one of the marriage dorms, they still spend every second complaining. What's weird is the huge shift in tone after Topanga starts crying. Their misery is supposed to be funny for most of the episode, and then suddenly we're watching Les Mis.

Character Development: 0 - Topanga turned into Shawn, I don't know if that's development though.

Humor: 1.0 - The misery was funny until Topanga started crying, plus Jack and Eric were consistently enjoyable. I seriously love that billiards hockey whatever they were playing.

Life Lesson: 1.0 - "Deal with your life."

2.5 out of 4.0. It's enjoyable for the most part because, like I said, Topanga is serving as more of a Shawn-sidekick than the Topanga we're used to. Jack and Eric were exactly what I want from them, but god dammit I still can't believe Rachel gave away a room again. What is her problem. 

Thanks for reading, see you Monday.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 7x08 "The Honeymooners"

I was really close to not doing this at all today. I just... ugh... Season 7 is so bad...

The "previously" reminds us that Eric gave Cory a key to the honeymoon suite, which is where we find our newlyweds now. As you can see in the logo above, Cory's in a real rush to leave his new wife unsatisfied. She reminds him "there's such a thing as foreplay", which is a nice touch. Pun absolutely intended. It's interesting that Disney banned Prom-ises but not this one. Every time they say something like this or someone swears, I like to imagine an overprotective parent getting in a huff because their child is watching this on Disney channel. Does anyone know for certain whether they censored any profanity or anything? I never watched this show on Disney.

So anyway, Topanga puts on some sexy nightwear while Cory enjoys the gift basket for "Mister and Misses Harold Peterman," the couple Eric took advantage of to bamboozle the hotel staff. It looks like all systems are go for Cory and Topanga's two minutes of fun.

But then the police burst into the room and take our heroes away. Eric is in the hallway as well, in handcuffs, and everybody heads off to jail. Then... stock footage... of a tropical island... Cory and Topanga are here with no loss to their stride, despite having spent the previous night in jail. So... why did that happen? Being arrested had no effect on anything at all. Their honeymoon is still exactly on track. That was THE most abrupt transition in the whole series. GOING TO JAIL. STOCK FOOTAGE. What?

And then it finally happens. The implied off-camera sex during some more stock footage. *Confetti*

Topanga meets an old woman named Madeline out at, I don't know, it's probably a pool. Even though Topanga explicitly states that she's saving the seat for her husband, Madaline claims it as her own. Apparently Cory is still sleeping because Topanga "wore him out", which seems like the opposite of what we've come to expect this season, but hey, if Topanga's a closet deviant, more power to her.

Cory meets Madeline's husband, we don't get his name, so they're going to be "Mr. and Mrs. Nelson" from now on. The Nelsons are retiring here on Stock Footage Island, so the two couples talk about how amazing Stock Footage Island is, and about sex. I like to think this was a jab at the network by Michael Jacobs, like "okay they're married so let's talk about sex as much as possible just because we can now." This episode certainly isn't the Boy Meets World of yore, but it's lighthearted enough to be entertaining. Cory and Topanga are enjoying being married, so we might as well too

Oh by the way Eric is here.

There's some more honeymooning going on while Eric conducts a small instrumental group in the background. He has resolved to make up for ruining Corpanga's wedding night, so I guess he's trying to enhance their honeymoon. Even without Eric, this trip is going so well that Cory decides he wants to stay here on Stock Footage Island for the rest of his life, and I'll just show you Topanga's reaction.

Things actually work out better than you could have possibly expected. Cory opens a store where he... carves coconuts to look like celebrities... And apparently it's a big hit. But not as big a hit as Cory hitting the gym woop woooooooooooo

But seriously there's nothing to talk about.

And don't worry. The beach at Stock Footage Island is definitely not fake.

The Nelsons got a letter from their family, some grandkid won a soccer game, which is supposed to ignite this idea of "don't leave your family behind" in the viewer and in Cory. Eric does some Eric things and then some new stock footage transitions us to the next morning. A lady hits a fake lizard with a stick.

There's nothing to talk about.

The locals want Cory to run for mayor against, I'm not kidding, the Communist party. The Nelsons have decided to fly home to watch their grandkid play soccer. Eric gets attacked by a spider. Is it really 17 minutes already?

Cory carves a Shawn coconut and a Feeny coconut, and together with his wife they realize that they miss their friends and family. You mean they're not going to live on Definitely Has A Real Beach Island forever? They had me going. So they go home and there's a few more jokes about them having constant sex and Eric is back on the island getting made into soup.

There isn't even a scene during the credits.

Any questions? That's a joke, since you couldn't possibly have any questions.

I have a question though. What the fuck did I just watch? That has to be one of the most "blah" episodes in the entire series. WHY WAS ERIC THERE. Aside from conducting the band for 20 seconds, he didn't contribute anything to anything. Then again, what was there to contribute to? I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. It didn't seem like a real episode. Felt like a five-minute bonus spot that they'd put on youtube nowadays.

Plot: 0.25 - NOTHING HAPPENED.

Character Development: 0 - Uhhhhhhhhh

Humor: 0.75 - There were some really good jokes, I definitely laughed at the Communist bit, but Eric is preventing the full point. I didn't laugh at anything Eric did.

Life Lesson: 1.0 - Home is where the heart is, I guess.

2.0 out of 4.0. It really doesn't seem like a real episode. There was almost no content. Buttttttttttttt but but but it was entertaining, and I enjoyed seeing Michael Jacobs try to bring up sex as many times as possible in 20 minutes. I don't know. If I were flipping through channels and this were on, I'd watch it, but that's about all I can say. It was nice to see Cory and Topanga enjoying their marriage, but did it need 20 minutes? Did it need Eric? Probably not.

Thanks for reading, I know it was short, but there was nothing to talk about. See you Friday.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 7x07 "It's About Time"

The new Girl Meets World was enjoyable. I liked the part with John Adams.
"Does that make sense to you?"
"None of this does."
"I'm also gonna be your teacher next year."
Hehehehe.

And I'm pretty okay with Joshua, even though I didn't think I would be. He's a lot more entertaining than Lucas.

Shawn arrives at the Tnemtrapa in a huff, as is his way. Where are Jack and Eric living this whole time, by the way? Are they still in that dorm room or did Mankind steal it from them?

Apparently Cory is working Shawn like a dog with best-man duties, but Angela can tell right away that that's not what's really bothering him. Topanga doesn't have time for Shawn's angst today, her wedding day, so she starts to strangle Shawn. It's actually hilarious. Topanga's psychosis gets a pass on her wedding day, and Shawn looks up to the ceiling as she's strangling him and says "Dad... I'm comin' dad...", a refreshing bit of dark humor that I really enjoyed.

Topanga: "How can anything be wrong between you and Cory? You love him more than I do."
Topanga, to her mother: "It's true and I'm okay with it."

There you can see my lovely girlfriend Rhiannon. Picked her up on the reboundddddddd.

But also WOAH, Topanga just dropped a BOMB. I'm sure that's either been contradicted in the past, or will be in the future, but for now, cool. Doesn't really say which one Cory loves more though, and that's always been the more interesting point.

Shawn keep saying the same sort of thing, but in a refreshing testament to their relationship, Angela knows he's lying and that there's a deeper, bigger problem.

At home, preparations for the wedding aren't going so well. Shawn is nowhere to be found, and Eric sits his brother down for the "pre-wedding sex talk", and you're not gonna believe this but the punchline is that Eric is dumb. Really breaking the mold for this episode. Shawn finally shows up and reveals what's got him so angsty.

Shawn: "Cory has it occurred to you, even a little bit, that... that today is the last day we're ever gonna be... 'Cory and Shawn'?"

Well there it is folks, The Big One. The Big Question. Can this marriage hinder the broest bromance of all time? I like that they gave that to us early in the episode, now we've got time to think about it. Especially since Cory deflects and refuses to talk about it, causing Shawn to forfeit his participation in the wedding, as well as his attendance.  Eric takes over as best man, and we jump a couple hours into the future to see how that's going.

The men are all standing around the living room in their underclothes, and Feeny's rockin a v-neck like a goddamn boss, but the women in the audience are much more interested in Bronze Adonis Jack Hunter. Eric walks in the front door and informs everyone that the tuxedos are in "the limo", which will be taking everyone to the new location Eric has arranged for the wedding. Alan summarizes my thoughts very well.

Alan: "Is this going to be very, very bad?"
Eric: "Mmm we'll see."

And apparently the new location is the goddamn Tipton Hotel. 

Inside, the receptionist from Prom-ises Prom-ises greets Eric as "Mister Peterman". Is this the same guy at the same hotel? Did he get promoted? Probably not, but it sure is fun to pretend. Although, I doubt he could forget the man who offered him a mystery bag, even with the haircut.

In some unspecified room, Topanga is making the final preparations with Angela, her best friend, and Rachel, who we are supposed to pretend is also her friend. Topangela have a snack-sized version of the conflict between Shawn and Cory. It lasts for about five seconds. Works for me. It deserved acknowledgement, but the writers knew it wasn't worth very much screen time. Nobody mentions anything about this, but Topanga's not wearing the dress Amy gave her in the previous episode, and Angela and Rachel are also wearing different dresses. That whole big problem from the last episode just doesn't exist anymore.

Leonard Spinelli, Alan's old assistant manager from the grocery store, or whatever character Willie Garson is playing today, is apparently the minister for the wedding. There's a gigantic audience for some reason, and everyone starts filing in to the ceremony. The 11 year old flower girl motions Jack over so she can tell him he's "very hot", which is.... sure, okay... I guess...

Who are all these people! What are they doing here! Who's the flower girl?! Why aren't any of these strangers asking questions or trying to stop this?

Eric asks the ring-bearer why he doesn't have the rings, and the small boy informs the braindead zombie that actually bringing the rings is his job. So yeah, Eric forgot the rings. What a surprise. The ceremony begins with that "here comes the bride" music and Jed begins to walk Topanga down the aisle. There's a lot of implied content if those two are magically back on good terms again, considering how they parted ways in episode 4. Rhiannon's here too.

AY GIRL. Jedediah is out of his mind. 

But seriously, who the hell are all those other people and why are they sitting through Cory's wedding.

Willie Garson begins by welcoming everyone to the wedding of Myra and Harold, which is what I assume all these other people are here for, SO WHY ARE THEY STILL HERE. It's so bizarre. Apparently Amy is now going to sing us a song, which I could absolutely live without, but here we go. We don't have to endure much before Shawn arrives with the forgotten rings, and it's not long after that before Shawn and Cory get into a fight and hash things out once and for all.

Shawn: "We have to talk about it!"
Cory: "I don't want to!"
Shawn: "We have to!"

I love this scene. Rider Strong totally nails the emotional factor. Ben's going for more comedy than emotion, but it works. We've got 6 seasons of friendship in our minds right now, so we genuinely feel for these guys when they think that things might have to change. Some people might be thinking "wow what a jerk, interrupting Cory's wedding," and to those people I say "hey, shut up." This is the most important relationship on the show, and it takes precedence over anything else, weddings included.

Cory explains that he doesn't know what's going to happen once he's married, and Shawn finally gives him and Topanga his blessing. That's a slightly unsatisfying resolution to one of the most emotional scenes in the entire series, so there must be more to this conversation later.

Shawn: "Gotta grow up sometime."

We skip ahead to the exchanging of vows and Topanga begins with "I wasn't sure this day would ever come." YEAH MAYBE BECAUSE YOU DUMPED CORY TWICE AND CALLED OFF THE WEDDING.

Cory's vows begin with "Ever since I was young, I never really understood anything about the world." See? There's that theme again. The rest of his vows are based on the "loved since 2" retcon, but they're fine. So now they're married and the strangers in the audience applaud.

Everyone's dancing now, including, for some reason, Jed and Rhiannon, and he needs to get his grubby mitts off my woman. Shawn begins a toast, resurrecting the subject of his and Cory's friendship. "We've had to deal with life... and death... and Feeny... but no matter what we faced, we always faced it together." And then Shawn finally relinquishes the title of Best Friend to Topanga. It's really just... heartbreaking. I respect the idea, your spouse ought to be your best friend, but it's overwhelmingly obvious that Topanga is not Cory's. Perhaps Shawn is merely granting them the space for her to become his best friend in the future, which is pretty damn noble of him. And it seems that she does indeed take on that role by the time Girl Meets World rolls around. Then again, Cory completely forgets about his wife when Shawn comes by for an episode, so who the hell knows.

The fuck is that old guy doing in the middle of this hugely important scene? I can't believe the director let that happen.

Eric decides it's time to give the newlyweds his gift, a key to the honeymoon suite at this very hotel. Cory takes the key and they immediately run off to get off. Side note, it appears that everyone is enjoying a glass of champagne. No one comments on it though, so that must be why it sneaked past Disney's censor. Anyway, Eric explains how he lied his way into getting this wedding set up, with the aid of a moron hotel employee who is just Will Friedle with a mustache and accent. So I guess anyone who even looks like Eric is a dumbo. I'm not particularly impressed with this part, but there it is.

Eric: "Run like hell!"

The jig is up though, and it's time to get out of Dodge. All the strangers run away too, so apparently they weren't here for the original wedding, and are in fact guests of Cory and Topanga. SO WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY? There's no way they would have fit in The Living Room, and the couple even said at the end of the last episode that they wanted just family and close friends. Are they supposed to represent the invitations to the viewer? That's my best guess.

Plot: 1.0 - They get married, with some twists and turns, a big emotional event with Shawn, and no egregious marriage-related hijinx. It's as good as you can ask for when it comes to wedding episodes.

Character Development: 1.0 - Shawn and Cory have to address The Big Question, and Shawn steps aside for Cory's wife. If we accept the idea that Cory wants to marry Topanga, then we also have to accept that she should become his best friend for the sake of their marriage, even though we like Shawn better. And that ties in with having Topanga admit that Shawn loves Cory more. It takes that serious love to be able to step down and do what's best for Cory's marriage, even if it's not what's best for the entertainment value of the show. We all know that Cory and Shawn screwing around in high school is what's best for the entertainment value of the show, but we gotta let it go.

Humor: 0.25 - Almost all of it was based on "Eric's dumb", and it really wasn't that great. This one was much more about emotion than humor.

Life Lesson: 1.0 - You should probably try to make your spouse your best friend. Which is not to say you can't have other really close friends, just that... if you plan to live with someone every day until you die, they should probably be the most important person.

3.25 out of 4.0. It's one of those emotionally good episodes. We're sad to see Shawn give up his title, you know, it's like main character dying at the end of a good movie. It hurts, but it has to happen, because anything else would have been disingenuous. The whole thing with the hotel employee looking like Eric is really damn stupid though. Also, was this the second or third time that Cory and Shawn got into a physical fight? I remember the one in Pink Flamingo Kid, and I've got this nagging feeling that there was another one, but I can't think of it.

Thanks for reading, see you Wednesday.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 7x06 "They're Killing Us"

Corpanaga are talking to the fourth wall about how difficult it is to plan a wedding, and as usual I am incapable of feeling sorry for them. It looks like we'll be jumping from the pair talking to someone positioned at the camera to normal footage of the show, almost like mockumentary.

The first such jump takes us to The Tnemtrapa where Angela and Rachel are trying on bridesmaid dresses for Topanga. Of course they look absurd, and of course Topanga loves them. Has there ever been a television series involving a wedding that didn't do this kind of thing with bridesmaid dresses? This already feels like a chore. Oh good Morgan's here too, we've got a real recipe for success today ladies and gentlemen.

The next 20 jokes are "Topanga likes them but the others don't." I don't like this, I want Shawn or Eric, not The Angry Morgan Show here.

Back in the mockumentary style, Topanga explains that "every wedding has a theme, Cory," and she wants hers to be a southern belle "Gone With The Wind" style. Where the hell did that come from? In the same way that Cory and Shawn were insane last episode and Eric was a sociopath in "And In Case I Don't See Ya", they're now making Topanga into something completely unrecognizable for the sake of cheap laughs, which are all also similar to making Topanga insane in the first four episodes of the season for the sake of the plot. I don't know why we have to completely destroy her as a character all the time, and obviously I don't enjoy it, but here we are. nonetheless.

I think that picture, uh, that pretty much sums everything right up for us. There you go, review over.

Seems like the goal for this episode is to pick a punchline and then milk it dry for an entire scene. The first one was Topanga's ugly dresses, and now it's Cory's sexual frustration. He and Topanga are discussing the honeymoon at The Union because there's really no other place for that sort of thing. Cory makes big scene about how un-laid he is, and it does work, but only because Ben Savage is hilarious when he's acting angry, something we've noted with consistency throughout the series.

Cory: "And do you know what I've gotten in all that time?! Let me touch something!"

I still can't figure out why they did this. It's obviously not for family-friendliness, I mean they swear relatively frequently and everyone else has had sex, so I just don't get it. Was it just for the jokes? It doesn't even work with her character, she's always been progressive and liberal, it doesn't make sense. I know I'm late to the game in saying that, but damn it's annoying. But they get married in the next episode, so I guess this is the last time.

Okay here's something compelling, Cory has to choose a best man. So is it Shawn or Eric? In The Dorm, Shawn and Cory try to imagine what will happen if Eric is best man, and it ends with Eric burning down the church, and indeed, when it skips to Eric and Cory discussing the same subject, that does in fact end with Eric setting The Dorm on fire. And this really highlights the disappointing change in Eric, since at the end of season 6 HE WAS FEENY'S BEST MAN AND DIDN'T SCREW UP ANYTHING. HE WAS CLOSE TO ADOPTING A CHILD. And now he just casually sets a dorm room on fire? It's not really even that funny. And the real emotion would have come from Cory having to choose between the season 5/6 Eric and Shawn, now there's a decision. Choosing between Shawn and this braindead zombie Eric? I'm not even invested.

Cory's parents are upset that he's chosen Shawn as his best man, and there's like a minute long effort to convince Cory to choose Eric. It's a massive waste of time though, since as soon as Cory calmly agrees to have Eric as his best man (he clearly knows Eric is about to mess something up), braindead zombie Eric lights a sparkler in celebration and then sets the house on fire.

Eric: "Sparklers are fun."

Did you think we would get out of here without the other dress-related trope? Not a chance. Time for Topanga to be unhappy with her own dress. But not just any dress, it was Amy's wedding dress, and it's been in the family "since the Civil War". Outside of budget constraints, I really can't see any reason why anyone would want to wear someone else's wedding dress, but whatever. This stuff is so easy to write. And I know what you're gonna say, I'm being too serious, this episode is supposed to be a fun time, a little fun before the wedding, but it's just not hitting any of the right notes for me.

And what would a wedding preparation episode be without a Professor Umbridge style wedding planner? Yes, how silly, she has a posh accent and she means business. Does anyone like this episode at all? Maybe it's fun if you've had a wedding, and maybe can relate? I don't know.

Apparently Alan hired Feeny and "his jazz group" to play the music at the wedding. Of course Feeny has a jazz group. They meet right after his yoga class, and right before his astronaut training program.

Listen. Okay, listen. There are two things I hate on television, above all others. Weddings and pregnancies. Proposals are a close third. And it's not the ideas I hate, it's the destruction of those otherwise nice ideas for the sake of entertainment. Every storyline boils down to "how much of this situation can we send to shit in 20 minutes of screen time".

Shawn shows up with the other girls, all wearing their ugly dresses from before. He has apparently coached them on pretending to like the dresses, and they all demonstrate their ability to lie to Topanga, whose eye won't stop twitching. Morgan doesn't want to play along though.

Morgan, being quickly muzzled by Alan: "Shawn paid 'em each fifty bucks and I wouldn't use this dress to wipe my a-!"

Arite. Fine. That's pretty funny. It is odd though. Morgan's always been really sweet to Topanga in the past.

Okay if we're talking about odd, then this is odd. Eric feels cheated by not being chosen as best man, so he decides to be the groom instead. He "confesses" his love for Topanga and tells her to marry him, I'm sure you all have a vivid memory of this scene. Taken alone, it's hilarious, but it's just so ridiculous. It's a shenanigan. Antics. Nothing in this episode makes any sense.

The mockumentary style thing turns out to be Cory and Topanga speaking to the other characters on the show in the Matthews living room. They've decided that all this trouble is a waste of time and that they won't survive an eight-month engagement. BETTER GET MARRIED IN A WEEK. IN THE LIVING ROOM. So there you go, there it is. We see a big title card invitation to the wedding.

 During the credits, they break the fourth wall for real this time to invite the viewer to their wedding, and to RSVP at coryandtopanga.com, which I'm sorry to say doesn't exist anymore. Did any of you see the original run of this show? I'd love to know what was actually on that site.

Well that was terrible. What an absolute waste of time. Not only does the wedding not actually occur in the living room, but all the issues with the dresses that took up so much damn time completely vanish in the next episode. I just checked and nobody mentions Amy's dress again and the bridesmaids' dresses are totally different, also without any mention. So this was a total waste of time, except for moving the wedding up from 8 months to next week. Great.

Plot: 0 - See above.

Character Development: 0 - See above, and the fact that Eric is a braindead zombie.

Humor: Indeterminate - I don't know, you can decide for yourself. I would probably find some of the stuff funny if I weren't so appalled by the rest of it.

Life Lesson: 0 - JUST HAVE IT NEXT WEEK IT'LL BE FINE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANYBODY'S AVAILABILITY.

1.0 or less out of 4.0. I can already see the comments about that scene with Eric proposing to Topanga, and yeah if you pull it up on youtube out of the blue it's worth a laugh, but I was just so bored by everything that came before it, I couldn't even enjoy it. I don't know what to say, I wasn't expecting to find such a worthless episode this late in the series. It was almost entirely pointless, predictable, cliche, and worst of all boring. 

I don't think I will ever watch any of these first six episodes again. Thanks for reading, I guess.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 7x05 "You Light Up My Union"

This is another one of those non-canon episodes that involves some sort of magic, like the two time travel episodes. The magic in this one reverted Shawn and Cory's brains to those of twelve-year-olds. Now that's not explicit, but I mean, there's really no other explanation for this episode, right?

The girls appear to be having a movie night (the movies all have hilarious titles) at The Tnemtrapa when Cory and Shawn crash the party, leaving Rachel as a third (or fifth) wheel.

Rachel: "Well this was supposed to be ladies' night."
Cory: "No ladies, tonight is booty night."

And by booty night, he means kissing for a while and then trying not to bump into anything with his erection while he walks home. ...night.

I was about to say we're at The Union, but indeed we are at a thinly disguised Union, masquerading as a full-fledged bookstore. Jack thanks Mister Feeny for getting him the position of manager at this store, since Feeny has somehow amassed that sort of power after working at the university for one year. Feeny explains that, since it's Jack's last year of college, it's good to get some real job experience. It's certainly possible to graduate in three years, but Jack? Hard to believe, but it's a plot device for the end of the series more than anything.

Eric's working here too, as assistant manager, thanks again to Mister Feeny. Jack assumes that Feeny's intention is to have Eric pick up on Jack's by-the-books, no-nonsense workplace tendencies, and we see Eric displaying his easy-going attitude with the customers. So there's more to him than being an idiot right now, but I think this episode will only add to the debate over Season 7 Eric.

Jack gives Eric a purse of money to go deposit at the bank. When Eric arrives, an old man with a monkey on his shoulder catches a glimpse of Eric's money, as well as his nametag, and turns on the sob story. The old man, apparently an organ grinder, needs exactly how much money Eric has to send for monkey-Eric's monkey-girlfriend, since monkey-Eric won't perform without her. And then, of course, Eric gives him the money.

I have a lot to say, and we all know how this ends, but I feel like I should wait until then to actually talk about it. So for now, let's just acknowledge that the organ grinder is heavily portrayed as a con artist and Eric looks like a sucker.

And now there's this.

Cory got a key to the Tnemtrapa from Topanga, so they've come to eat all the food they have. Because of the magic. They would never normally do this, so it must be that off-camera/implied magic. The only redeeming thing about this scene is that Shawn appears to be drinking a blue raspberry Jones soda, which is fucking delicious. So the boys have a list of food they want Rachel to buy/make for them, and they left the list in her underwear drawer, after rummaging through it out of perverted curiosity. Again, off-camera twelve-year-old magic. It has to be.

Rachel: "You went in my diary? You read it?!"
Shawn: "Yeah, and you're a very bad girl."

You all should know by now that I am far from old-fashioned, but absolutely no part of this is okay. Cory has well-established boundary issues, and he's extremely sexually frustrated, but this still isn't remotely close to believable. It's even worse for Shawn, just completely out of character. I can't begin to imagine how this story happened. To clarify, I'm not saying it's unacceptable for television, I'm saying it's total nonsense for these characters. Even Eric never did anything this creepy. Remember at the beginning of season 6 that all of Rachel's stories are founded on the fact that she's good looking? Well.... There you go.

She rightfully loses her shit and kicks them out, but Topanga and Angela have just arrived outside and bring the boys back in to sort things out. Rachel explains all the bull shit they boys did, and the girlfriends don't really care because "look how cute they are when they're guilty." I would have an aneurysm right now if I were Rachel. That's not a bad thing though, we're supposed to be furious. So except for the fact that Shawn and Cory would never do this, the writers have done a good job setting this up. Either way, it sounds like Rachel has a plan.

Meanwhile, Eric tells Jack what he did with the money.

Jack: "The world is gonna crush you. I feel sorry for you, man."

There might be a conversation here about whether this is out of character for Jack, but I don't think so. He was just made the manager of a store and his assistant manager just gave $1700 to an organ grinder. Everyone in the world would react this way. As before, there's a lot to say about Eric here, but let's just leave it all for the end.

Also, apparently it was The Union in the first scene? It was definitely some angle we haven't seen before, I guess there's another cash register over in the book area corner? I don't know, whatever, the point is that Eric is working the register at Brew Lagoon in the next scene, and he's being mean to all the customers, including Feeny and Cory.

It's Jack's turn to go to the bank now. There, he witnesses a loan officer showing leniency to a troubled woman, only to be stomped on by his money-grubbing boss, analogous to Jack stomping on Eric. In one of the most awkward moments in the entire series, Jack butts in to this conversation and tells the loan officer not to "be like me." Look at it, it's overwhelmingly uncomfortable.

I have to keep pausing it after like two seconds, the second-hand awkwardness is crippling me. Jack gives the woman all the money he was going to deposit. I'M STILL PAUSING EVERY COUPLE SECONDS IT HURTS SO MUCH. Okay it's over now.

At The Tnemtrapa, the two couples are making out right next to each other, something I don't think I would ever want to do. Rachel prances out into the living room in some silky purple underwear, turns on some porno jazz on the stereo and starts bopping around while washing dishes. Naturally, Cory and Shawn's eyes are locked on da booty, pissing off Topanga and Angela.

I like this scene for more than just the obvious reason. It's a very well crafted revenge, and the viewer finds pure delight in the rage of Topanga and Angela as their boyfriends oggle another woman.

So the girls scream at their boyfriends and apologize to Rachel. A very satisfying ending, with Topanga and Angela both looking like chumps. And that's only satisfying because the writers made us so furious at them before. I just wish they could have come up with something a little more believable for Shawn and Cory to do. Off-camera magic. Twelve year olds. Etc.

Jack returns to The Union and attempts to resurrect the old Eric. He realizes that he wants to be more like Eric, rather than Eric being more like him, and tells as much to Feeny, who is of course seated nearby instead of teaching classes. Feeny explains that he wanted them both to influence each other, which for some reason wasn't possible with them LIVING together for three years. But ignoring that, I like what Feeny has to say. "It's not enough to leave school and just desire to succeed in this 'cold cruel world'. Because then you simply become a part of it. You must also have the desire to change it." That's some of that real shit, some of that high school Feeny. Wonderful.

Feeny: "And to change it, you'll need your fine mind... and his good heart."

Eric hasn't reverted yet, but the organ grinder Chubnomenons his way into The Union and pays Eric back. Apparently an organ grinder can make $1700 in a day and a half, which makes me wonder why I went to college.

Okay, now let's talk. I thoroughly respect and appreciate what they tried to do with Eric's story here. They had a great idea with a great resolution, and I would absolutely adore this episode if the execution weren't so damn stupid. The idea of Eric and Jack learning from each other is awesome! And having Feeny there to put the pieces together is perfect. But an organ grinder? At the bank? And Jack's act of charity is just painful to watch. I mean they're not exactly giving a guy a $20 outside the McDonald's, these are serious amounts of money that don't belong to them. That's not charity, it's basically embezzlement.

So how does this tie in to the Season 7 Eric debate? Well he was definitely an idiot to give $1700 to an organ grinder. But we also got to address his lofty spirit and kind heart, so I'd say this one looks a lot better than the last four as far as Eric is concerned.

Feeny: "You're a good boy. Don't ever change."

Even though the whole point of this was for him to change a little bit.

The credits is just the logo and the music.

Plot: 0.25 - Almost worthless. A terrible shell for a great idea. And I like Rachel's revenge plot, but that one also had a frustrating setup.

Character Development: 0.75 - Jack and Eric both learn from each other (and from Feeny). On the other hand, this really conflicts with the Jack we saw in Santa's Little Helpers. We already know that he's more than capable of charity after that episode.

Humor: 0.5 - There aren't really any stand out moments. Eric was silly sometimes, Cory and Shawn were decent, even though their story was stupid.

Life Lesson: 1.0 - Here's where this episode came through. We haven't had a really solid lesson in a while. I love that Feeny quote I put near the end, really good stuff.

2.5 out of 4.0. The best episode of the first five, but still stuck in a weak story. By the end though, we find ourselves with a smile on our faces, and realize that we've almost entirely forgotten the bullshit that happened with Shawn and Cory.

Thanks for reading, see you Friday.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 7x04 "No Such Thing As A Sure Thing"

So check this out. I've spent the last ten or so years thinking that Topanga's "You are you and I am I" thing, a relatively iconic moment in the series, was original. Original in the sense that the writers for the show made it up. But that is not the case. As the wonderful commenter Priscila pointed out on Friday in the comments of that episode, that entire bit is from something called the Gestalt Prayer. Topanga's last line is a slight alteration of the one in the Gestalt Prayer, but still. It's a straight up ripoff. That makes it considerably less meaningful, don't you think? Or did everyone but me already know it was from the Gestalt Prayer? Thanks again for pointing that out, Priscila.

Well I've got some coffee here, let's see if we can do this.

Right away, I hate everything. Shawn and Angela are making out in The Union because Angela has Stockholm Syndrome after the last episode. But they have to yell at each other to talk over the roar of what appears to be a pep rally located in THE FUCKING BOOKSTORE. Better than THE RALLY IN THE CAF. Yeah there's a throwback for ya, who remembers that shit. So protagonist privilege has allowed Rachel to be a cheerleader in this episode, as well as the one shouting at everyone through a megaphone. Jack appears to be a cheerleader now as well, and he's right up there with her.

Oh my god they've got Eric too.

If there isn't a joke about Eric looking up that girl's skirt, I will eat this coffee cup. 

Yup. I'm safe. Come on Boy Meets World. You're s'posed to be better than that. And who the hell let Eric be a cheerleader? There will be multiple cheer-related injuries and deaths this year.

So The Pennbrook penguins are playing against a school whose mascot is The Amish, who have beaten The Penguins 47 years in a row. Indeed, Jack has decided to gamble on this game, and since this isn't Saved By The Bell, Eric doesn't give him a hard time about it. Awesome. Shangela have relocated outside, where they're going to town on each other at the same table where Topanga's studying. Cory arrives and comments that he wants to be like them, what with the tongues and the closed eyes and the hands in various places.

Topanga: "What, you wanna make out until we realize we hate each other some day?"

I have two things to say here. First, it's interesting that we've done a 180 from earlier seasons where it was always Shawn wanting to be like Cory and Topanga, and now for the first time we've got Cory on the side of envy. Second, this is better than the last three episodes. Cory cracking jokes about his crummy situation with Topanga is infinitely more enjoyable than the constant drama. There were sections of the Lauren arc where the breakup was handled with some humor, and that was equally relieving.

Cory starts kissing Topanga, which is not cool since she clearly doesn't want him to, so she shoves him to the ground. Everything about the shot makes it look like Topanga is a villain, including her immediately being sorry and asking if he's okay, but I am 100% on her side there. Don't do that shit, Cory.

So the guy in the Penguin costume at the rally was actually a spy for The Amish. Eric chased him off, and now Cory has volunteered to take up the uniform. It feels like it's been an eternity but I'm only at the 4 minute mark.

Football Player, to Rachel: "How come you keep asking me all these history questions?"
Rachel: "Because it's your major! You dumb, dumb, dumbest-person-alive"!

That right there is Jerry Mungo, the star player on The Penguins, and their only real chance of beating the Amish. But if he doesn't pass Feeny's upcoming history exam, he won't get to play. See also: The plot of every show that's ever been on television. Not to mention when Eric did this with a basketball player back in 3x20. But hey, Rachel's actually participating in something other than being good looking, and she made me laugh. That's new and exciting.

After observing that event with Jerry Mungo, Jack is almost certain the Penguins will lose, so he calls his bookie, someone named Danny who I like to believe is Gambling Dan from early season 6, and bets $1,000 on The Amish. Eric, in a move that I cannot hope to begin to explain, grabs the phone and makes the same bet. The tone has shifted dramatically from the first scene, and now it appears that Jack does have a gambling problem, since his character is boring and there was no other way to include him in the episode. Let's hope things don't get preachy.

Later, Cory walks into The Union holding hands with a girl who thinks he makes a good mascot.

Hot girl: "Maybe after the big game you'll wanna see my dorm room."

YES PLEASE. It takes a quick kick in the rear from a nearby Shawn for Cory to catch on to the implication there, but once he does, our hero seems interested! Topanga is watching from the complete opposite side of the Union and is magically able to hear what they say. The camera shows her looking about as forlorn as possible while the audience goes "awwwwww." Fuck you, audience.

I HAVE NO SYMPATHY FOR YOU, TOPANGA.

NO SYMPATHY. YOUUUUUUUU CALLED OFF THE WEDDING THAT YOUUUUUU ASKED FOR. YOUUUU BROKE UP WITH HIM FOR THE SECOND TIME. YOUUUU TOOK 5 YEARS OF DATING TO LET YOUR BOYRFIEND SEE YOUR BUTT. 


I am thoroughly enraged by the notion that we are supposed to feel sorry for her right now. Shawn and Angela take a quick break from their makeout marathon so that Angela can have a talk with Topo Gigio. Angela talks way down to Topanga here, as though she weren't completely supporting Topanga's lunacy just a few days ago. She seems to have forgotten that she was knee deep in this nonsense too.

It's unclear if Topanga's changed her mind at this point, I mean it has been 30 whole seconds after months of not wanting to be with Cory, BUT WE ALL KNOW HOW POWERFUL JEALOUSY IS AS A MOTIVATOR. That girl is going to rock. Cory's. world, and now Topanga wants him back. To quote Shawn Hunter in The Eskimo, "I am throwing up. I am throwing up all over you."

Eric rides into The Union on a $5,000 bike because this place has no rules. Apparently he put another $4,000 on The Amish to win, and is pre-emptively spending his winnings. For the sake of the plot, we have to accept that this somehow affects Jack too, unless Eric somehow places a bet in both of their names. So Eric makes his way to Feeny's classroom to make sure there's no way he'll give Mungo a passing grade.

Feeny: "I'm gonna make this so simple that even you can understand it."
Eric: "You can try."

So yeah, you guys were right. Eric's solitary character trait right now is that he's dumb. There is nothing else going on. I still think he's funny, but it's disappointingly shallow.

Well I did not see this coming. Jedediah and Rhiannon are walking up to The Tnemtrapa to tell Topanga to stop being insane, and Jed has decided to tell his daughter that he left Rhiannon for another woman, which Cory learned in 7x02 but kept it secret at Rhiannon's request. By the last remnant of humanity left in the writers, they don't make us watch that conversation. It cuts right to Topanga's reaction, which is to tell her father to get da fuk out, which he does.

Okay so I think this is a total cop-out. We were actually getting somewhere on that "sometimes relationships just don't work anymore" theme, now it's what? Jedediah's just an asshole? Anyway maybe Rhiannnanananoanonnn can talk some sense into her daughter.

Rhiannon: "Whatever happens between your father and me shouldn't affect what happens between you and Cory."

Well that was easy. Everybody go home. Except it didn't work since Topanga's about as dense as a neutron star right now. Rhiannon continues to tell her daughter pretty much exactly what we've all been screaming at her this whole time. The final nail in the coffin is that Rhiannon still would have married Jed even if she knew it would end in divorce. Topanga finds that comforting.

Arite let's wrap this up. At The Union we learn that Feeny had a surge of school spirit after talking with Eric and helped Jerry Mungo study for the test. Mungo was barely able to pass, so now Jack and Eric are screwed, and we see them running away from the bookie's thugs. Rachel is still a cheer leader. There wasn't much to hold on to in this episode, so if Rachel being a cheer leader was your favorite plot thread, congratulations, it paid off. Topanga makes up with Cory because he'll forgive her for absolutely anything. 

By the way, Cory isn't the Penguin anymore since he was bad at it, so that hot mascot groupie doesn't want him anymore. She was the only really interesting aspect of this story, so I wanted to mention that.

During the credits is possibly the worst bit in the entire series.

I'm not going to score this episode because my emotions are too confused. The sheer relief of not having to deal with Shangela and Corpanga drama anymore is, at the moment, overpowering my hatred for this little arc. They didn't preach to us about gambling or give us a hotline to call or anything, so I appreciate that. I'm sure Rachel will never be a cheerleader again, and the fact that Jack and Eric owe a combined $6,000 to a bookie is probably going to be swept under the rug.

The best thing to do right now is to just accept that the beginning of this season sucked, and move forward without letting that spoil the rest of the season. Unless the rest of the season sucks too, in which case I'm going to need more coffee.

Anybody else got the hots for Rhiannon?

Thanks for reading, see you Wednesday.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 7x03 "Angela's Men"

The three girls are eating or whatever in The Apartment that they bullshitly stole from Jack and Eric in the last two episodes. It's not really "The Apartment" without those two, so I'm not gonna call it that anymore.

Shawn is at the door to continue his pursuit of Angela, and she seems amused but also annoyed by all of this. And of course Cory is there to support his friend, and not, as he points out, to talk to Topanga. Angela shuts the door in Shawn's face, but answers another knock a few seconds later to find someone new.

Well not entirely new, the actor played the philosophy professor in 5x04. Apparently he's here to recruit students for Pennbrook's ROTC program. He shuts the door on the boys, so that's basically a family tradition at this point, then starts prying into his daughter's personal life. Rachel asks about Angela's mother, so now we know that her and Mr. Moore are "no longer together". Riveting stuff here folks, riveting stuff. Rosie the riveting stuff.

We're at some kinda rally for Mr. Moore's ROTC recruitment, and of course it's at The Union. Eric swears his revenge on nearby Topanga for beating him up in the previous episode.

Feeny: "Having personally served my country in the navy..."
Eric: "England doesn't have a navy, you liar."

Is this the impossibly dumb Eric you guys don't like? It still seems about normal to me, I think that's funny. I'm glad this discussion about season 7 Eric got started, it adds some actual substance to these awful episodes. More importantly, did you see Feeny's face there?

That's amazing.

All the new ROTC recruits give up pretty quickly, including Jack which doesn't seem right, but it advances the plot so there you go. The one exception is Shawn, who's working pretty hard to impress Master Sergeant Angela's Dad. More like... Waster Sergeant... Cuz he's wastin my time.

Please hold your applause.

Angela wanders in for some reason and scolds Shawn for trying to get to her through her father. She insists that she doesn't love Shawn, and this is where it gets weird. It is obvious right away that Waster Sergeant has decided to believe Shawn's claim that Angela loves him. For no reason in the world he believes this random guy that he just met, even though his own daughter insists the opposite. For all he knows, Shawn is a stalker, it's honestly what he sounds like, saying over and over again that Angela loves him.

While all this is happening, Eric's taken up residence in a nearby trashcan and occasionally waves a white flag of surrender. I'm inventing the Eric-O-Meter to deal with his alleged spiral into idiocy, and it's showing that Eric levels are currently "Normal", no problems yet.

Speaking of stalkers, Eric is now stalking Topanga in Brew Lagoon through various means, as he plots his revenge, and I don't have a problem with this either, I think it's funny. Shawn shows up looking smooth as hell in an army uniform. He claims that he's enlisting. Angela's first reaction is "Did you do this for me?" which is just disgustingly self centered, but apparently Shawn did do it for her, so I guess it's fair. She storms out, proving that she and Shawn really are meant for each other, and Shawn explains to Cory that he has nothing in his life so he might as well join the army. Once again we've completely ignored his road-trip-epiphany that he wants to spend his short time on earth with his friends.

Like... the writers totally shit on Shawn last season, and then at the end he finally said that he was happy with his life, and now he's moping again? I really feel robbed here. Let's just end the show after season 6 when Shawn's happy, Feeny gets married, Eric is about to travel to find himself (another cool thing the writers ignored), and Corpanga aren't gonna get married. It's a great ending, all things considered.

Eric starts telling the Waster Sergeant about his plan to sneak attack Topanga, but then yells out exactly when he plans to get her, defeating the point of a sneak attack.

Sergeant Moore: "You are a disgrace to this university, to this country, and humanity in general!"
Eric, laughing: "Wow!"

More like Faster Sergeant... Cuz I wish this episode would end faster.

That one wasn't as good.

He tells Eric to drop and give him twenty, so Eric drops and hands him a 20 dollar bill. Wrapping all of that up, my Eric-O-Meter is dipping into the red a little bit, that was pretty damn stupid. It's a funny line from the Faster Sergeant on the surface, but we all know that Eric isn't even close to a disgrace. We just have to look back at Santa's Little Helpers and the whole Tommy arc to see that Eric has done, by far, the most for humanity out of anyone on the show, except for Feeny. But we do see that side of Eric again later in the season, so it's not completely lost.

Faster Sergeant Moore asks Feeny what he thinks of Shawn, and it's moving to hear what he has to say. "I have seen Shawn overcome every obstacle that life has thrown at him., and grow up to be one of the finest young men that I know." That, of course, instantly brings to mind City Slackers, The Eskimo (two of my all-time favorite episodes), and all the stuff in between. Feeny continues to sing Shawn's praises. I really wasn't expecting to feel this many emotions in this episode. It's nice.

It's finally time for Eric's sneak attack. He's hiding in a giant American Gothic painting, ready to leap out when Topanga walks past.

This is registering way more on the "silly" side of the Eric-O-Meter than the "stupid" side, so there's an A+, I love that bit.

Later, at The... Tnemtrapa... the girls are doing nothing again, because none of them have ever had established hobbies and Rachel isn't actually that close to either of them. Shawn and the Faster Sergeant arrive for one last attempt at not minding their own business.

Get a load of this shit, Sergeant Moore tells Angela "I don't want him anywhere near the army. But I do want him near you." It's just so uncomfortable for me, this guy is trying to convince his daughter to date some guy he met yesterday. Yeah he's got a glowing recommendation from Feeny, but still. It's just weird.

Angela: "I don't want to be closer together."
Shawn: "Why not?"
Sergeant Moore: "Yeah. Why not?!"

Are you seeing this?! Who is this guy! It's absolutely outrageous. It is an outrage. You do not do this shit to your adult daughter (or son). I can't deal with this.

So we learn that Angela's mother walked out on her family, and now Angela's afraid of doing the same thing to Shawn. So indeed, Topanga has shared this "I = my parents" mentality with poor Angela. Thanks, Rachel, for doing absolutely nothing to help. Bullshit that I couldn't explain if I wanted to happens and now Angela's not afraid anymore, woo hoo, they're back together. She tells Shawn she loves him and it's just uncomfortable for me since her dad verbally beat it out of her. The audience cheers so damn loud when she says it too, ugh, everything is wrong with this scene.

To close out the episode, we see bloopers of another sneak attack from Eric, where he tries to hide in the sofa.

It's pretty damn amazing. I'm really glad they included this in the episode.

Plot: 0.25 - I like Eric's revenge plot.

Character Development: 0.5 - Shangela are back together, but it was so forced that I can't even be slightly happy about it.

Humor: 0.75 - Pretty much just Eric, some Cory too though.

Life Lesson: 0 - Please, please, please do not treat your children like Crapster Sergeant Moore treats Angela.

1.5 out of 4.0. - It is an absolute shitshow except for the fun bits with Eric. But at least the Shawn/Angela conflict is over (again), and I'm pretty sure it's for good this time. That's finally done.

Thanks for reading, see you Monday for the worst Eric-centered episode in the series.

All images used under Fair Use.