Episode 7x04 "No Such Thing As A Sure Thing"

So check this out. I've spent the last ten or so years thinking that Topanga's "You are you and I am I" thing, a relatively iconic moment in the series, was original. Original in the sense that the writers for the show made it up. But that is not the case. As the wonderful commenter Priscila pointed out on Friday in the comments of that episode, that entire bit is from something called the Gestalt Prayer. Topanga's last line is a slight alteration of the one in the Gestalt Prayer, but still. It's a straight up ripoff. That makes it considerably less meaningful, don't you think? Or did everyone but me already know it was from the Gestalt Prayer? Thanks again for pointing that out, Priscila.

Well I've got some coffee here, let's see if we can do this.

Right away, I hate everything. Shawn and Angela are making out in The Union because Angela has Stockholm Syndrome after the last episode. But they have to yell at each other to talk over the roar of what appears to be a pep rally located in THE FUCKING BOOKSTORE. Better than THE RALLY IN THE CAF. Yeah there's a throwback for ya, who remembers that shit. So protagonist privilege has allowed Rachel to be a cheerleader in this episode, as well as the one shouting at everyone through a megaphone. Jack appears to be a cheerleader now as well, and he's right up there with her.

Oh my god they've got Eric too.

If there isn't a joke about Eric looking up that girl's skirt, I will eat this coffee cup. 

Yup. I'm safe. Come on Boy Meets World. You're s'posed to be better than that. And who the hell let Eric be a cheerleader? There will be multiple cheer-related injuries and deaths this year.

So The Pennbrook penguins are playing against a school whose mascot is The Amish, who have beaten The Penguins 47 years in a row. Indeed, Jack has decided to gamble on this game, and since this isn't Saved By The Bell, Eric doesn't give him a hard time about it. Awesome. Shangela have relocated outside, where they're going to town on each other at the same table where Topanga's studying. Cory arrives and comments that he wants to be like them, what with the tongues and the closed eyes and the hands in various places.

Topanga: "What, you wanna make out until we realize we hate each other some day?"

I have two things to say here. First, it's interesting that we've done a 180 from earlier seasons where it was always Shawn wanting to be like Cory and Topanga, and now for the first time we've got Cory on the side of envy. Second, this is better than the last three episodes. Cory cracking jokes about his crummy situation with Topanga is infinitely more enjoyable than the constant drama. There were sections of the Lauren arc where the breakup was handled with some humor, and that was equally relieving.

Cory starts kissing Topanga, which is not cool since she clearly doesn't want him to, so she shoves him to the ground. Everything about the shot makes it look like Topanga is a villain, including her immediately being sorry and asking if he's okay, but I am 100% on her side there. Don't do that shit, Cory.

So the guy in the Penguin costume at the rally was actually a spy for The Amish. Eric chased him off, and now Cory has volunteered to take up the uniform. It feels like it's been an eternity but I'm only at the 4 minute mark.

Football Player, to Rachel: "How come you keep asking me all these history questions?"
Rachel: "Because it's your major! You dumb, dumb, dumbest-person-alive"!

That right there is Jerry Mungo, the star player on The Penguins, and their only real chance of beating the Amish. But if he doesn't pass Feeny's upcoming history exam, he won't get to play. See also: The plot of every show that's ever been on television. Not to mention when Eric did this with a basketball player back in 3x20. But hey, Rachel's actually participating in something other than being good looking, and she made me laugh. That's new and exciting.

After observing that event with Jerry Mungo, Jack is almost certain the Penguins will lose, so he calls his bookie, someone named Danny who I like to believe is Gambling Dan from early season 6, and bets $1,000 on The Amish. Eric, in a move that I cannot hope to begin to explain, grabs the phone and makes the same bet. The tone has shifted dramatically from the first scene, and now it appears that Jack does have a gambling problem, since his character is boring and there was no other way to include him in the episode. Let's hope things don't get preachy.

Later, Cory walks into The Union holding hands with a girl who thinks he makes a good mascot.

Hot girl: "Maybe after the big game you'll wanna see my dorm room."

YES PLEASE. It takes a quick kick in the rear from a nearby Shawn for Cory to catch on to the implication there, but once he does, our hero seems interested! Topanga is watching from the complete opposite side of the Union and is magically able to hear what they say. The camera shows her looking about as forlorn as possible while the audience goes "awwwwww." Fuck you, audience.

I HAVE NO SYMPATHY FOR YOU, TOPANGA.

NO SYMPATHY. YOUUUUUUUU CALLED OFF THE WEDDING THAT YOUUUUUU ASKED FOR. YOUUUU BROKE UP WITH HIM FOR THE SECOND TIME. YOUUUU TOOK 5 YEARS OF DATING TO LET YOUR BOYRFIEND SEE YOUR BUTT. 


I am thoroughly enraged by the notion that we are supposed to feel sorry for her right now. Shawn and Angela take a quick break from their makeout marathon so that Angela can have a talk with Topo Gigio. Angela talks way down to Topanga here, as though she weren't completely supporting Topanga's lunacy just a few days ago. She seems to have forgotten that she was knee deep in this nonsense too.

It's unclear if Topanga's changed her mind at this point, I mean it has been 30 whole seconds after months of not wanting to be with Cory, BUT WE ALL KNOW HOW POWERFUL JEALOUSY IS AS A MOTIVATOR. That girl is going to rock. Cory's. world, and now Topanga wants him back. To quote Shawn Hunter in The Eskimo, "I am throwing up. I am throwing up all over you."

Eric rides into The Union on a $5,000 bike because this place has no rules. Apparently he put another $4,000 on The Amish to win, and is pre-emptively spending his winnings. For the sake of the plot, we have to accept that this somehow affects Jack too, unless Eric somehow places a bet in both of their names. So Eric makes his way to Feeny's classroom to make sure there's no way he'll give Mungo a passing grade.

Feeny: "I'm gonna make this so simple that even you can understand it."
Eric: "You can try."

So yeah, you guys were right. Eric's solitary character trait right now is that he's dumb. There is nothing else going on. I still think he's funny, but it's disappointingly shallow.

Well I did not see this coming. Jedediah and Rhiannon are walking up to The Tnemtrapa to tell Topanga to stop being insane, and Jed has decided to tell his daughter that he left Rhiannon for another woman, which Cory learned in 7x02 but kept it secret at Rhiannon's request. By the last remnant of humanity left in the writers, they don't make us watch that conversation. It cuts right to Topanga's reaction, which is to tell her father to get da fuk out, which he does.

Okay so I think this is a total cop-out. We were actually getting somewhere on that "sometimes relationships just don't work anymore" theme, now it's what? Jedediah's just an asshole? Anyway maybe Rhiannnanananoanonnn can talk some sense into her daughter.

Rhiannon: "Whatever happens between your father and me shouldn't affect what happens between you and Cory."

Well that was easy. Everybody go home. Except it didn't work since Topanga's about as dense as a neutron star right now. Rhiannon continues to tell her daughter pretty much exactly what we've all been screaming at her this whole time. The final nail in the coffin is that Rhiannon still would have married Jed even if she knew it would end in divorce. Topanga finds that comforting.

Arite let's wrap this up. At The Union we learn that Feeny had a surge of school spirit after talking with Eric and helped Jerry Mungo study for the test. Mungo was barely able to pass, so now Jack and Eric are screwed, and we see them running away from the bookie's thugs. Rachel is still a cheer leader. There wasn't much to hold on to in this episode, so if Rachel being a cheer leader was your favorite plot thread, congratulations, it paid off. Topanga makes up with Cory because he'll forgive her for absolutely anything. 

By the way, Cory isn't the Penguin anymore since he was bad at it, so that hot mascot groupie doesn't want him anymore. She was the only really interesting aspect of this story, so I wanted to mention that.

During the credits is possibly the worst bit in the entire series.

I'm not going to score this episode because my emotions are too confused. The sheer relief of not having to deal with Shangela and Corpanga drama anymore is, at the moment, overpowering my hatred for this little arc. They didn't preach to us about gambling or give us a hotline to call or anything, so I appreciate that. I'm sure Rachel will never be a cheerleader again, and the fact that Jack and Eric owe a combined $6,000 to a bookie is probably going to be swept under the rug.

The best thing to do right now is to just accept that the beginning of this season sucked, and move forward without letting that spoil the rest of the season. Unless the rest of the season sucks too, in which case I'm going to need more coffee.

Anybody else got the hots for Rhiannon?

Thanks for reading, see you Wednesday.

All images used under Fair Use.